I am wide awake. Yet still walled in. Why be awake when you are in the dark about everything. I feel empty, and full at the same time. I am so confused. I have been in this past tense existence for so long. I know who I am half the time... the other half I am shocked.
Wasted time isn't real. Nothing is wasted. Everything is a learning experience. We all must face it. Dwelling on the fact that you may or MAY not have "wasted" time with someone, something, or anything is pointless. So what... pick yourself up dust off your knees and move on. Right? Sounds easy enough.
In one way this WHOLE thing has helped loosen the noose I have placed metaphorically around my neck. I held on to that feeling. The perceived feelings from another, I made it real in my head. At night I'd dream and wish and hope for him. Where did that get me? Nowhere fast. At this point I get anxiety when he is near... but I haven't thought of him for quite some time in the twilight of my slumber. I may finally kick this habit.
He was really quite mean. There is honesty... there is even BRUTAL honesty.. but what he did was just malicious. Fucking excruciating to endure. I have a complex about many things. I know I am responsible for falling for the bs, but it was his influence..... and that voice just will not cease... I'd give anything for that to be silenced.. I shall work on that...
My job is amazing. Karaoke hosting is amazing. I've made the best of friends. Everyone likes me, and I am always real. Always me. Never try to be anyone else.... I've come out of my shell.. I am known. People respect me. I have FANS.... People come to hear ME SING. I get paid to SING. So in my delusional world I have decided that my job makes me a professional musician even if that is just a delusion. :) It makes me feel invincible for those 6 hours each night I work.
I am rambling. I am all alone on a Friday night/ Saturday early morn, and all I can do is keep typing. I know how bad it is to hold on to the confusing/painful/wierd/random thoughts. I need to journal more, or do this.
Music is healing.
Moving in with my cousin has improved my mood ten fold.
Breaking up with him gave me freedom, and guilt.
Being single is no longer a sport.
I love me.
nite.
Wasted time isn't real. Nothing is wasted. Everything is a learning experience. We all must face it. Dwelling on the fact that you may or MAY not have "wasted" time with someone, something, or anything is pointless. So what... pick yourself up dust off your knees and move on. Right? Sounds easy enough.
In one way this WHOLE thing has helped loosen the noose I have placed metaphorically around my neck. I held on to that feeling. The perceived feelings from another, I made it real in my head. At night I'd dream and wish and hope for him. Where did that get me? Nowhere fast. At this point I get anxiety when he is near... but I haven't thought of him for quite some time in the twilight of my slumber. I may finally kick this habit.
He was really quite mean. There is honesty... there is even BRUTAL honesty.. but what he did was just malicious. Fucking excruciating to endure. I have a complex about many things. I know I am responsible for falling for the bs, but it was his influence..... and that voice just will not cease... I'd give anything for that to be silenced.. I shall work on that...
My job is amazing. Karaoke hosting is amazing. I've made the best of friends. Everyone likes me, and I am always real. Always me. Never try to be anyone else.... I've come out of my shell.. I am known. People respect me. I have FANS.... People come to hear ME SING. I get paid to SING. So in my delusional world I have decided that my job makes me a professional musician even if that is just a delusion. :) It makes me feel invincible for those 6 hours each night I work.
I am rambling. I am all alone on a Friday night/ Saturday early morn, and all I can do is keep typing. I know how bad it is to hold on to the confusing/painful/wierd/random thoughts. I need to journal more, or do this.
Music is healing.
Moving in with my cousin has improved my mood ten fold.
Breaking up with him gave me freedom, and guilt.
Being single is no longer a sport.
I love me.
nite.
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