first contact in 8 years monday... first date thursday... first sleep over at my house.. thursday/friday morning... First sex? Friday early morning... First sleep over at his place? Friday... Best day out as a hand holding couple... Saturday.. Relationship change? Sunday. First time meeting one of his kids? Sunday... oh my.

fast... slick... and natural. I am going to love this man. I just know it.. the most real connection possible.

oh.my.lawd

It has been quite surreal the past few days... being in touch with a crush from 8 years ago... We immediately clicked... Before way back when... we made small talk in our own awkward ways... Now we are full on into each other. We fit like a glove... So much passion with each other... We could NOT keep our hands of each other at all... The sex was so out of this world... Eye contact... Whispered nothings... It was what I have been waiting for... something real... But not only is it real.. and it was instant. Now the day after I'm stuck being a dumb girl wondering when we will see each other again, and if he was being for real... over analyzing everything as a bipolar does. I know I am just super emotional because it is the 12 anniversary of my mother's passing. I miss her so much. I popped a xanax and started some sad music... waiting for the boy to text me... I am sprung on this guy and it scares me... idk how to explain what happened but just out of the blue i got all scared and freaked out... and i think it is because i am super over analyzer... also emotional due to other reasons. I think I'm going back to the old ways of FREAKING OUT over nothing. lol. He told me today how awesome we are and how well we fit "glove" and how well we "clicked" and he wasn't able to hang out with me tonight because of his kids... but was looking forward to it all day and is now bummed. so idk if I am just being a girl, allowing my other emotions to affect these ones too? WTF I HATE BEING A JUMBLED FUCKING MESS! It happens though. I guess the sadness and the weird ass instant click with this guy is just messing me the FUCK UP haha I am such a fuckass! ugh

.....

I am wide awake. Yet still walled in. Why be awake when you are in the dark about everything. I feel empty, and full at the same time. I am so confused. I have been in this past tense existence for so long. I know who I am half the time... the other half I am shocked. 

Wasted time isn't real. Nothing is wasted. Everything is a learning experience. We all must face it. Dwelling on the fact that you may or MAY not have "wasted" time with someone, something, or anything is pointless. So what... pick yourself up dust off your knees and move on. Right? Sounds easy enough. 

In one way this WHOLE thing has helped loosen the noose I have placed metaphorically around my neck. I held on to that feeling. The perceived feelings from another, I made it real in  my head. At night I'd dream and wish and hope for him. Where did that get me? Nowhere fast. At this point I get anxiety when he is near... but I haven't thought of him for quite some time in the twilight of my slumber. I may finally kick this habit. 

He was really quite mean. There is honesty... there is even BRUTAL honesty.. but what he did was just malicious. Fucking excruciating to endure. I have a complex about many things. I know I am responsible for falling for the bs, but it was his influence..... and that voice just will not cease... I'd give anything for that to be silenced.. I shall work on that...

My job is amazing. Karaoke hosting is amazing. I've made the best of friends. Everyone likes me, and I am always real. Always me. Never try to be anyone else.... I've come out of my shell.. I am known. People respect me. I have FANS.... People come to hear ME SING. I get paid to SING. So in my delusional world I have decided that my job makes me a professional musician even if that is just a delusion. :) It makes me feel invincible for those 6 hours each night I work.

I am rambling. I am all alone on a Friday night/ Saturday early morn, and all I can do is keep typing. I know how bad it is to hold on to the confusing/painful/wierd/random thoughts. I need to journal more, or do this. 

Music is healing. 

Moving in with my cousin has improved my mood ten fold.

Breaking up with him gave me freedom, and guilt.

Being single is no longer a sport. 

I love me.

nite.