Chapter 5
The wound on my hand made it hard to grip the steering wheel with any force. I couldn't make a fist, or fully extend my fingers. The cut was across the entirety of my hand! The wound was pretty deep too. I kept accidentally ripping it open because I couldn't move my hand the ways I kept trying to. I forgot every time I went to drum on my steering wheel. I knew I needed stitches, and it wasn't too late.
I pulled on to the shoulder after a short while on the road. I had some things I needed to check out before I kept going. I turned into what looked like a mini parking lot. I looked around and scoped some sort of a sign for a state park.
There was barely any traffic out today. A wonderful Wednesday it was! It was nearing 1:00pm. I had another pang of guilt for not telling anyone other than Cady's voicemail I had left. I found an empty space in the parking lot and turned off the car.
I grabbed my phone out of the center console to finally use it's smart phone capabilities for it's gps. I looked up where the closest hospital was. I figured I should go get stitches and some pain pills if this continued to hurt as much as it did. It was a dull pain that just stayed with me the entire time since I hurt it.
Sometimes the pain shot up my elbow. I knew the only reason it didn't hurt like hell constantly was because my mind was pre-occupied. If I was to relax at all on this vacation I needed something stronger to take away the pain.
I popped an ibuprofen and sloshed it down with the mt dew I got from the gas station. I clicked through the pages on my phone til I found a St. Joseph's hospital near Eureka. I figured out how to use GPS. It was a lot easier than trying to navigate a map. The phone would inform me where to turn, how long til i reached my destination and would recalibrate if i veered off course.
I looked for my first aid kit that i tried to keep in my car. I say "tried" because it was an inside joke with Cole and i. To be honest I'm not quite sure why it was so annoying to him, but when i first got my car i bought the kit and he saw it and made fun of me. every time he saw it he'd throw it out. it was funny he would throw it out of the window in my parking lot or in his drive way and I’d always run out to get it. I never asked him why he did it. The last time he had done it i hid it somewhere.
I scratched my upper lip and frowned trying to get the cogs in my brain to work. I started feeling around under my passenger seat when I remembered it was under the driver seat! I was so stoked.
I found the antibiotic cream in an unopened tube inside the box. I squirted some on my wound. It hurt like a bitch. Seriously it felt like magma was flowing from inside of my hand and just sat in the wound cooling into volcanic rock!
I winced and closed the tube trying to find a bandage big enough to cover it. There was no such bandage in this kit. I searched for something to use. In my glove box I found a bandana and I wrapped up the injured hand. By then the stinging had gone down and I sighed in relief.
I looked at my phone and saw the dreaded icon at the top telling me I had messages in all forms. There were 3 voicemails, 7 texts, and 14 social notifications. I knew I had very little time until I was in a non reception area. I knew i had better be sure that Cady received my voice message and if she hadn't i was going to have to call her back, or someone else.
I wasn't concerned with the notifications. I knew it was in regards to my melodramatic status i had posed before i went to bed. i skipped those out right.
I then looked at my texts. I knew who at least 2 of those voice mail messages were from. The first few texts were from some of my co-workers. They were glad i finally took a break. I was an auto detailer at our local Honda store. I got the best commission and tipped quite often because I was such a workaholic. I worked so much to make the time i wasn't with Cole more tolerable. Manual labor was the only thing that eased my anxiety. My co-workers were probably going to make bank while I was gone. I was happy for them, but i laughed when i thought about coming back home and stealing back my thunder.
Then of course the last 4 were from Cole. I didn't want to read these at all, but i am a glutton for punishment.
“Lani, I think I may have made it look like we were over. I didn't mean to make it sound like that. We have to figure that out together. We just need time to know if this is what we want.”
Next message “i know we aren't a couple. i wish we were but we cant be now. i am jealous of any guy you talk to. and that is unfair. i shouldn't have blown up on you. i have no right to”
“ my jealousy messed it all up. I've been selfish Worrying about me. what i should do. how not to hurt my family and not be a piece of shit. im not happy in this life i've made. i want to be ”
The next message continued his thought. “ there for you. I know you must be going through hell too. I know I need to make a big decision. I can't expect you to wait forever. And I know that. I want to fix it if I can. We just need space. This is temporary. Please know that.”
These were sent at 9:48am, 9:49am, 9:50am and 9:51am Tuesday April 4rd, 2007.
My heart started up again. He sent these this morning. These texts were well after he randomly showed up last night. "Oh, what was it he said to me in person that is different from these texts?" It's not wonderful to have my thoughts kidnap my consciousness again, but I had to remember what he said last night to know how to feel about these texts.
“FUCK!” I screamed while writhing in pain. I clutched my bleeding hand to my breast and cried. I let all the tears out. I am a huge believer in the cleansing power of crying. A good cry is all you need sometimes. I cried for 15 minutes. I was stoked I parked out of sight.
I found an almost empty bag of tissues in my console. It had 2 left. I needed both of those for the blood flow in my palm. I squeezed em and looked at my clothes. I was so glad I decided to wear black pants and a black hoodie that day. I wanted to get into my apartment without a neighbor freaking out thinking I'm the next zodiac killer or something. My hand GUSHED blood. Oh, I was an idiot.
I didn't even feel like grabbing anything to carry upstairs besides my purse. The pizza would be fine. My car would be locked so my phone was fine in the center console. Besides I didn't want to read the messages I was bound to get from either D or Cole. I grabbed my purse and keys in my healthy left hand and got out of the car locking it right after I shut the door.
I hurriedly ran across the parking lot looking in all directions as if someone was going to pop out of the bushes or something. I just didn't have it in me to talk to anyone right then. I sprinted up the stairs taking 2 or 3 at a time up the 3 flights I had to clear to be home free. I got to my door and scrambled trying to unlock it with my non dominant hand which was my only option. I vowed then and there to start using my left hand more so I wasn't full of so much fail when “Righty” was hurt.
I locked the door behind me after much hassle. I threw off my dirty clothes into my closet in my room and tossed my keys and purse somewhere else in plain sight. I didn't care where they landed. I had a case of the fuck its. I didn't even bother turning the lights on anywhere other than my bathroom. I went in and shut and locked the door out of instinct.
As I was washing my wound I stared at my face. I looked weathered. I was 19 and I looked like I had lived a lifetime in a few hours. I was sad, hurt, depressed, indignant, offended, violated, pissed, ashamed, hopeless and uncertain all in one confused pile of flesh. I disgusted myself. I noticed no blood had fallen on my favorite bra. At least something was going right today.
I put a dollop of face cleanser in my hand and started to wash my face with one hand. I had raccoon eyes and my face was this gross pale color. I was NEVER pale. I am Native American. I am a tan poster child and my face was ghostly. i finished washing my face in a hurry because i couldn't stand the sight of me anymore.
I whined every time my hand throbbed. “The hospital is right up the road from me like 2 blocks.” I thought. But then I thought about one of the guys showing up and following me or something. I looked at my hand and decided it was no big deal. I knew i was lying to myself but i wasn't exactly rational right then.
I ran my pulsating hand under the clean cold water and basically sang opera. It stung so bad! I doused it with some rubbing alcohol and left it like that. I figured the air would help. I also needed to calm down before trying any other home remedy. i was just glad the bleeding had stopped.
I drew a bubble bath with my aromatherapy bath salts to relax. I needed to wash myself after how gross Dameon was to me. I didn't want to think about anything. I couldn't stop crying as it was. I started reading one of the outdated magazines I kept for reading material during the morning constitutional although, I read them mainly while I took baths. I couldn't just sit there in the water. I had to have something to do. I settled in the full bath and turned off the spigot. This was going to help for sure.
I was reading some funny true stories and pranks the mag featured when I heard a frantic knocking at my door. My heart bounced in my chest cavity. I tried not to splash. I could see my necklace bounce off my collar bone it was so intense. I slowly got up and grabbed a towel to go check the peep hole. I walked quietly. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Even if they weren't Cole or Dameon.
Dripping with bubbles and bath water I made my way to the front door. I was starting to shiver but I managed to keep myself in check. I popped up on my tip toes and looked out only to see Cole's beautiful face looking back at me.
I looked at my phone trying not to cry thinking of his face framed in the peep hole. I looked at my missed calls and saw that one of them was from Cady. I decided this was the time to check the voice mail. I could get that out of the way then think while I was on the road. I was losing time and the pain in my hand was starting to become more than i could handle.
I dialed my voice mail pin number and was informed there were 3 unheard messages.
“First. New. Message” it said in its weird female computer generated voice.
“ LANI! You left me here without my car..."
I deleted the message without finishing it. Fuck Dameon.
“Next. New. Message.... Hey.. Lani. It's Cole. I am a dick. I let my temper take hold like I always do. I was jealous ok? I'm coming over. If your not there I'll wait for yo...”
Deleted. I know what happened there too. Insert beautiful face framed in peephole. I shook my head as if that was going to shake the idea away. Psych!
“Next.New.Message.. received.. today. at. 12. forty two. P.M.... DUDE YOU'RE GOING WHERE?! WHAT HAPPENED?! I'm glad your taking a vacation. I wish I was there too! AHH!! I know I know you need your alone time. if you want company at all just gimme a call and I’ll show up. I swear I will! Please keep me updated with where you are staying and where you are headed if you leave OK? Just so I know where you are in case. Please call me when you get the chance to fill me in. I saw your status and was a little worried. I know you'll spill all the details as soon as you can. I love you! Have fun!”
Ok good. Someone knew where I was. I clicked back to the GPS on my phone and pulled out of the parking space to start driving once again down the lonesome highway. I turned my music up a little but I was sure to keep it low enough to hear the directions. I looked at my screen and saw that I had 2 hours until I reached my destination. I popped 2 more ibuprofen, and slurped down some more soda.
Within a matter of minutes my hand stopped throbbing. I wasn't sure if that was the pills or if it was the fact that my mind was once again preoccupied with thoughts.
Cole had this helpless look on his face that I had never seen before. I felt the tears fall from my chin while I stood there. I couldn't look away. I was holding my breath. I felt light headed!
He didn't have his hat on. That was unusual. His hair was long, down to his ear lobes and it was shaved underneath. I was thrown off. He hardly ever had that hat off his head. His black hair was slicked back and messy like he just threw his hat off or something.
His beautiful brown eyes were blood shot. Not the way they would look if he had smoked a bunch of weed. They were blood shot from rubbing them, from rubbing tears away. Those eyes had no life in them. Only sadness. It tore me up. His eyes filled with tears the longer he waited for an answer at my door.
He bit is bottom lip and pulled his hair back with both hands and pulled the ends like someone does when they are pulling up a tight pony tail. He dropped his hands and walked in a circle then knocked again.
“I saw your car by the dumpster. I know you're in there!" He said almost sniffling. Then he thought for a moment and got quiet. Then he whispered through his teeth. "I can feel you.” He said this not knowing he was making perfect eye contact with me through the peep hole. I was having a hard time not opening the door. I was in my towel still too. My mind was racing.
Right then he sat down and leaned up against my door. “THUMP”.
Fuck. He wasn't going anywhere. I knew then and there the hospital was really out of the question now!
I slowly crept back into my bathroom and sank into the tub. I cried quietly. I hoped he'd leave by the time I was done. And for good measure I sat in that tub scrubbing every square inch of my body. The wounded hand helped my cause a lot! I felt time pass but i wasn't quite sure how much time had actually passed.
I looked up at the digital clock in my bathroom and it said 7:19pm. Surely he would be gone by then. Plus, I was out of warm water I had to get out.
I dried off, applied lotion to my entire body, put my undies on and wrapped my robe around me. I walked quietly to the door and couldn't see him anywhere. I started to panic. I didn't want to see him, but i really did at the same time!
Without thinking I opened the door. The chain kept the door from being wide open but I had to peek and see if he was there.
I regretting doing that when I felt the door push at my feet. Cole looked up at me through the crack of the door and bolted up quicker than I've ever seen. I tried to shut it real quick but he had already seen me. I left the door shut and just stood there in shock. He started knocking again and talking to my door.
“ Lani. Please? Let me in. You know how hard it is for me to get out of the house to come see you. Please just let me talk to you!” I could hear the quivering of crying. And a grown man crying is heartbreaking. I was defeated. I opened the chain and let him in.
He followed me into the living room. I turned on the light and sat down on my papa san chair so he couldn't sit next to me. He moved some stuff to clear a space for him to sit on my couch. I can't exactly explain how I felt. I knew he was right in a way about D. D sure did prove why Cole didn't want me to be around him. He is as big of a pig as he always has been. I give people too much credit I guess.
My biggest problem was I was lonely. I hurt every single day i went without seeing Cole. I'm sure he hurt not being able to see me, but he wasn't all alone in his home. he had 2 little ones running around, and a wife with whom he slept every single night. While i had nothing, no one and a cold lonely bed. I knew talking to D was out of desperation. maybe i longed for something more, but that something more had to come from Cole, not Dameon. i was pissed at myself for what happened with D.
I was mad at Cole for blowing up on me but all the same he was right about everything. But I didn't want to tell him anything that happened or else there would be a dead body to dispose of. I may not be a big fan of D right now but I sure as hell don't think he is better off dead. I decided to keep that tid bit to myself and i vowed to break off all contact with Dameon as soon as i possibly could.
He sat on my couch and put his head in his hands. I wondered why he was so upset. he had a right to be mad at me! i had kept something from him when he never kept anything from me. i knew there was something else going on, not just the horrific episode from earlier. I folded my arms and stared at my wall waiting for him to say something. The ball was in his court this time. I tried to concentrate on the wall instead of looking at him. I stared at my Tool poster that was parallel from me.
He looked up at me and my head turned so quickly to face him that i over extended my neck. He had this look on his face. there was so much to be said in that one look i couldn't pick one thing out to describe it.
“ I saw you. I saw you collapse. And i kept moving. i kept running. i saw you crying your eyes out and i didn't come back. i just kept going. i was really mad that you kept that from me. i hate the idea of you ever talking to that guy. I over reacted, but to be honest i really was just.. jealous. i knew i loved you before, believe me i knew that and know that, but. knowing you were talking to someone else scared me. i was afraid i was losing you. so i ran away from it."
He wiped his eyes and sighed.
“Daisy picked me up near the stadium at your old high school. I didn't tell her we were fighting. I had her drive up the road where I left you and if you were still there I was going to tell her what happened. When we drove back up you weren't there. I thought I saw your car but I didn't see you.” He sighed.
“ I didn't say a thing to her the whole way. well i couldn't because she started going on about what my relationship with you is doing to our family. and i didn't give a shit what she was saying. i don’t even remember half of what she said. i was just thinking about you leaving me. We got all the way back home and that's when the anger had subsided. then i was just sad. i knew i had to come see you. i had to apologize and try to tell you how i felt without blowing up so..I found a reason to be away for a bit and came here. although most of the time i had was spent sitting at your door waiting."
He picked at a hole in his jeans while he composed himself.
"When i got here, I didn't see your car so I searched to see if you had hidden it or something. And I saw it there behind the dumpster. So I came up.” He paused for a second and looked at me deep in my eyes. “i love you. i am so sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry i made you cry."
I just looked at him. I wanted to tell him he was right. but i didn't think it would help anything telling him what happened after. I mean it proved his point to me. it was better to let him keep thinking it was because i was a forgiving person. soon enough it wouldn't matter. nothing was going to come of this whole thing with D. i didn't want shit to do with him anymore. all i wanted in the world was sitting on my couch next to my laundry baskets and unopened mail.
“This relationship is so hard on me. It has to be hard on you. I mean, I have a family to think about and to go home to. You have no one to come home to. I wish I could come home to you, and sleep with you in my arms. I want to kiss our first kiss. I want to make love to you. But my conscience won't let me while I'm with her. Now my jealousy is breaking you and me apart. so right now im pretty much fucking up 2 relationships. one i dont want and one i want more than anything but cant have."
I started to cry uncontrollably. He looked like he was going to get up and I put my hand up to tell him to stay there. He looked at his feet. I looked at the ceiling. The tears were flowing into my ears. I looked back up and started to calm down.
“ Its NOT FAIR TO YOU!!” he said crying and pausing. ” I don't know what to do. I think we need some time apart. You and I. We need to know if this is worth it. I mean. maybe sometimes love isn't enough for a relationship to survive on. I don’t know and that is why we need to think. Please I want us both to think it over. Think over our whole relationship and decide which is better for each of us. we may need to break up. but we need to think first to be absolutely sure."
He stood up. I looked up at him.
“so um.” I had to swallow really hard before the words would come out. “ are we going to break up?" I almost didn't want to know the answer to that question.
“I don't know yet. We need time.” He said motioning for me to get up and give him a hug. I obeyed. I was feeling my life crumbing.
I walked over to him and looked in his eyes. This is an easy thing to do since he is only a couple of inches taller than me. I always loved that. We fit together perfectly. I felt almost like this was the last hug we would ever share. I reached my arms out and our bodies locked. The tears were inevitable for both of us.
I felt his warmth. I felt his heart thump against my breasts. In sync as usual. I squeezed and he squeezed harder. His warm breath fell on the nape of my neck. I felt the electricity pulsate through my being. He kissed my neck every so slightly. I kissed his shoulder. We pulled away and were at arms length but still holding tight. Our eyes locked. I never wanted that hug to end.
He pulled me back in for real quick hug but then he tossed me aside and started to the door. It was like the hug was tempting him to take more. I wanted him to take more. But that was out of the question. It was always out of the question. by now you'd think i would be used to it...
He stopped at the door and looked back at me. He mouthed, “ I love you" and walked out the door before I could give my rebuttal. I felt tears fall but i made no sound. My door was still wide open. I could hear his souped up Honda start up in the parking lot and drive away down the street. The sound of his exhaust always made my heart race. It either meant he was coming, or he was leaving. The feeling was either anticipation or anxiety growing as our distance grew. Tonight I was anxious, and it was heart wrenching.
I changed the song and it snapped me out of it. I felt like I was staring out of a stained glass window. The tears blurred my vision for a moment. I started thinking about how gorgeous it was outside. I was one of very few vehicles on this road seeing the sun behind the clouds in the blue sky. It looked like it was airbrushed onto the sky. Too beautiful to be real. But it was. Just like Cole.
I slapped myself! I thought I could be in the moment for a bit but the thoughts had a collective mind of their own. I drank some of my soda and spaced off again.
I stopped sobbing long enough to shut and lock the door. I always check the peep hole when I lock it. Paranoia I guess. I was glad I locked it when I did because sure enough there was Dameon with a determined look on his face. I covered my face with both hands and rubbed so hard I thought for sure I'd erase my face. I walked in a circle and cursed.
“ Lani! I saw your car behind the dumpster I know you're in there pleaaase let me explain!” He whined on the other side of the door.
“WAIT!” I yelled out loud. “ I wasn't very clever at all parking behind that dumpster now was I? FUCK!” I shook my head to acknowledge my failure. I decided if I ever needed to hide I would have to do better than that.
“please I know you are here! Did you HEAR me? I SAW THAT YOU HID YOUR CAR! WHO DOES THAT UNLESS THEY ARE HERE?! HELLOOOO???” He was getting impatient. I was getting pissed.
I stomped to the door and opened it with force.
“WHAT!?” I yelled in his face when the door was fully open. My robe decided it should be fully open too. I was so frustrated I just wanted to scream. I closed my robe quickly. I was to pissed to be embarrassed.
“ Can I come in?” He said. I had taken him off guard with the flashing.
"NO! You may not! Cole was right about you! I thought we were texting as friends. Sure I have been lonely lately. And YES I thought about having sex with you." I said double checking my robe situation.
He stared straight at my chest. I was more wrathful than I think I had ever been in my life. He was STILL violating me! Sure it was just his eyes but I was seriously about to lose my fucking mind in petulance.
" I thought about having sex with you because I thought maybe it was a sign that maybe I was supposed to be with you, not Cole. But I know for sure that was just my loneliness talking. You texted me for selfish reasons. I never should have replied to you! Here you are still staring at me like a piece of meat. FUCK YOU DAMEON. Get out of my life. I think you have done quite enough."
He looked pretty confused as I slammed the door in his face.
I locked every lock I had and wished I had more. I whirled around and looked at him through the peep hole. He was still standing there. I couldn’t' take it.
"GO AWAY!!" I screamed my desperate plea. He looked put off, but not upset. He looked perplexed but not remorseful. He walked away with purpose. That asshole had no idea what kind of shit I went through for him. Texting him back was not fucking worth it!
That thought lingered. I guess it was kind of worth it. If I had never texted him then there would have been no epic fight at the pizza place. If that fight between Cole and I didn't happen, what would have actually transpired? Would we be having this relationship overhaul? I was scared he wouldn't chose me, but what if he did? And what if he chose me and we lived happily all because of this fight?
I fell to my heels. My feet were hurting from looking out the peep hole so long. I looked up and just busted into insane laughter. I laughed so hard I had to clutch my ribs for fear that they were going to pop out of my body. I'm honestly not sure why I was laughing. I was sure I was slipping into insanity. This day HAD to end.
I shut my bedroom door and laid there in the pitch black. At least Dameon was out of the picture. I was mad for ever texting Dameon. I guess Cole and I did need a break. If a guy from my past- like D- could come into my life and take my focus away from Cole -even in such a fleeting, not really sort of way - there must be a reason. Maybe I wasn't as happy as i thought i was with Cole? Maybe this whole, whatever it was, was starting to wear on me?
What was I going to do all week? How was I going to be able to relax and survive the break from him.
I didn't remember falling asleep but I did. When I opened my eyes it was 2:04 am. I Kept thinking about the break when I would start to drift to sleep again. It was a flashing neon thought that read "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO!" No other thoughts.
Eventually I got fed up and ended up where I am.. right.. now.
Hm. I had nothing more from the night before to consume my mind. Just as I suspected my hand began to throb with a passion now that I had nothing to keep myself busy.
I was getting closer to my pain relief at the hospital. The ibuprofen was wearing off. The pain was getting worse. Every pulse of blood from my heart into my blood stream sent torment and hatred into my hand. I wanted to scream, but I was estimated to arrive at the hospital in 20 mins. Wow, time really flew thinking about all of this. I felt a little clearer.
The rest of the 20 mins I turned the music really low and repeated positive affirmations to try and keep the pain down. It kinda worked I guess. My affirmations weren't really that convincing. It's hard to be positive when your hand feels like it might swell up and fall off.
I pulled in at the hospital, St Joseph, and parked up close. I grabbed my phone, purse and keys and walked with purpose to the door. It was strange when I went to the front desk to let them know I needed to be seen. For once in my entire life there wasn't a soul waiting in front of me! I was ushered right into triage.
The woman who took my vitals and asked me about my reason for my visit looked at my hand and gasped.
"Oh my! That looks awful!" She said.
I just nodded. Tears filled my eyes. I was so glad I decided to go to the hospital.
She asked me how I had hurt myself and I told her the truth about the sunglasses. What did I have to lose?
" You must have been pretty angry! Next time try that with a pillow or something OK? This can't possibly feel good." She said with a caring disposition. She put me at ease.
After she took my vitals she took me straight into the back and sat me on a bed. It was amazing but the doctor on duty that day came in 5 seconds after I sat down! That NEVER happens!
“Woah! That looks painful!” the doctor said. I chuckled nervously. I honestly couldn't squeak anything else out.
He gave me a warm smile and examined my hand further. It boils down to needing 10 stitches and he wrote a prescription for 20 Vicodin. The stitches would dissolve and I wouldn't need a follow up. He gave me an IV with some antibiotic for infection, as well as some morphine for my immediate pain.
I fished my phone out of my pocket and updated my status to say, "St. Josephs Hospital in Eureka has the best service ever! I didn’t even need to change into a dressing gown! YAY!!"
I didn't explain why I was there, but I was kind of in space. The morphine and just kicked in. I kicked back and let it do its thing while the doctor stitched me up! It took all of 10 minutes for the stitches to be done. My hand looked like a zombie's hand. It looked so rad I took a picture and posted that to my Social Network so everyone would see how gnarly and cool it was. I was so high I thought others would be amused like I was.
The Doctor had me stay in the room for another half hour so he could give me another dose of morphine and a bag of saline to rehydrate me. He said I was a little dehydrated. I blame that on all the caffeine I force fed myself.
I was so hungry when I was checking myself out and giving my insurance information. I just decided to go find the cafeteria and eat something here. At least I would have something real and not some fast food. I followed the signs to the cafeteria and couldn't decide what I wanted. I took my time since I was so high.
While reading the menu I had one final thought before I could make my decision and enjoy my dinner.
“Cole reassured me that we weren't over, yet.” I breathed a whisper to myself, mouth barely opened.
I felt calm. That was partially from realizing Cole and I weren’t done yet, and also because I felt another wave from the morphine. Good thing I was eating dinner here. I couldn't exactly drive like this.
