Sometimes Love isn't Enough Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

I saw a road sign for a gas exit. Those energy drinks were effective in giving me the much needed pep, but doubly effective in filling my bladder to capacity. “Redding, 2 miles ahead” a sign sang to me. It was all so conveniently the right turn off to go to the California coast.

I didn't consult a road map because I wasn't planning this trip. I was into the spontaneity of it all. So seeing that sign really brought me back into reality and back to the task at hand. Besides I wanted some In and Out Burgers! I didn't like the taste of the bad joo joo pizza.

I decided to go out to the Northern Cali coast. Maybe Eureka I was thinking. I like the colder coastal regions. I figured Eureka was far enough away from home but not a ridiculous drive away. I knew if I got restless at all during my long vacation I could meander up the highway 101 coastal route, which was most likely going to be the case because I wanted to keep myself busy!

I had never made the trip as an adult, and certainly never alone. I could sight see, take photos of nature and just live! I knew I'd have the best chance of processing everything if I had things to do alone. No interruptions from myself. Just me and my thoughts.

I looked at the clock. I was glad it was only 11:00. In a few hours I'd be in Eureka finding a nice hotel. With all the clean laundry I had, I was actually going to be one of those people who unpacked at their hotel! Yay! I was having one of those “first's” as an adult, and excited about it I was! I needed a small victory!

I anticipated a nice ocean view and the sounds of the magnificent Pacific to calm me down into a deep cleansing vacation sleep. I was getting excited. I started to drum along with the music I had on nearly blasting the sound barrier in my Honda. I was sad my sunglasses died the previous day because it was a bright day. One that sunglasses should be mandatory. I added this new item to the list of things I needed to get at the gas station - But first to In and out!

I pulled off the highway and drove towards my lunchtime heaven. I wanted to have a nice long pee and then fill up on food before gassing up. I pulled into the parking lot into an empty spot and hurriedly sprinted to the door of the restaurant.

“Shit! FUCK!” I said in frustration when I realized I hadn't locked my car. i guess i was really excited, or really had to pee, or both. I pushed the key fob to lock the car.

“FUCK!!” I grumbled again when I realized I was too far away for the censor to lock the car.

I ran closer and mashed the button until the horn told me it was locked.

I ran like bears were chasing me into the door and found the ladies room. “SWEET ACTION!” I said to myself glad I wasn't having to stand in line. I guess I really shouldn't have had a huge coffee and 2 energry drinks. Eh, you live you learn.

I came out and I noticed some people laughing at me. I'm sure I put on quite the show.

“Fuckers.” I mumbled under my breath. 

I hate people too preoccupied with being perfect all the time in public.

I ordered my lunch and Sat outside at a table. While I enjoyed my burger, fries and soda my mind took a detour from the purest form of happiness in my mouth to the serious thoughts swarming like bees in my brain. I was a multi tasking prodigy today.

I looked at Dameon and he had the same grimace as I was sure I had. I felt acid in my throat. Great!

“ We really dodged the bullet just now didn't we?” Dameon finally said. My heart was beating so fast, and so loud I couldn't even respond, or think. Any joy I had been reveling in was dashed after seeing Cole snugly nestled in his Escalade. All I felt then was shame and disgust. In myself and in Cole- and Dameon too. I had a fishy feeling.

I was in a three way conundrum. I didn't know how Cole really felt about me or his wife. I had no fucking idea what Dameon wanted with me all of the sudden. But more over I had no clue how I felt about anything or anyone
at that moment. I think my 6^th sense for trouble must have been on the fritz because I felt like something else was going wrong, but I couldn't pin point it.

I leaned over and turned up the music to try and get my mind on something else. It wasn't working.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I knew going to Dameon's was probably not such a good idea. Maybe that was what felt wrong inside.

“What if Cole finds out?”

My internal dialogue was on a loop of that sentence, and that sentence alone. I then recalled his smug face framed in the escalade window from just a second before and decided I didn't give two shits about Cole right now.

Dameon parked my car where he normally parked his in the covered space at his apartment complex. He left his car at the gas station to get me out of there faster. At that moment I wished I had just followed him so I wasn't responsible for getting him back to his car. I felt an obligation to go in and try to socialize. After all I think I owed Dameon just a little visit after he whisked me away from a horrible situation.

I must have spaced out while I was thinking because Dameon was looking at me waiting for me to answer him, or something. I don't know exactly because I wasn't paying attention.

“huh?” I said as I shook myself out of it. I had no idea he had even said anything to me.

“ I said we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.” He said in a kind of awkward voice.

I thought about a rebuttal that was appropriate for his statement. I ended up nodding, but wasn't quite sure why he kept saying that to me. He KNOWS me. I will NEED to talk about this whole thing to figure it out.

See, I am the type of person who needs someone to bounce stuff off of to sort of cement the events in my mind. I guess sometimes I am known to write furiously in a diary, but no one really knows I do that. 

hell look at me now, talking to myself and eating a tasty burger. 

Everyone else is all suited up and ready to shut up and let me repeat my story a bunch of times until I come up with a resolution. I decided that maybe I was over thinking everything . He probably thought this was a situation better left for me to handle.

I got out of the car and took my keys from D. I pushed the lock button for my car as I followed him to his door. it didn't lock so i had to walk back and try again closer. 

"that's right! i need new batteries for this damn thing" i said. A weird look was cast in my direction from a trendy couple sitting at a table that was apparently in my blind spot. "SHIT" i thought, "i said that out loud!" i had to stop doing that in public!


His apartment was on the 1^st floor. I remembered I had only ever been here once and that was to drop a former friend of mine off there before D and I started talking again. I later found out I had dropped her off so they could have sex! Ick I felt like I was a delivery service. Ick!

He was kind of a man-whore after we broke up. His brain and body basically ran off of sex. 17 year old guys were all like that, true. But he was going for the gold in the try-sexathon, where anything goes, and you try everything at least once.

“ I wish I had remembered that incident before I decided to come over today.” I thought to myself.

I stepped in the door, Dameon was still facing me. He reached on either side of my head right above my shoulders and started pushing the door shut while coyly pushing his body against me. Very smooth. Soon the door was shut and he was pressed so close against me I couldn't have mistaken the presence in his pants as anything else. I began to sweat.

I managed to create a diversion by dropping my keys. Startled, he bent down to retrieve my keys. I smiled though my face was turning red.

“Quick!” I thought in a panic. “ I need another diversion!” I walked by him right as he was coming back for flirting round 2.

“ I need to PEE!” I said, with no control of the volume of my voice. He looked at me funny, then smiled and pointed to the bathroom door. To keep the charade of having to pee as bad as I had announced, I hurried to the bathroom and locked the door.

I didn't have to pee. I just looked at myself in the mirror trying not to cry again. I didn't think I had the tears to do so, but they were welling up. I held the tears in the whole way here. Seeing Cole with his wife after that fight was a hot knife in the back.

I took some toilet paper and wiped the remnants of makeup from under my eyes. I looked like a raccoon. I flushed the toilet to seem like I had just peed and sighed deeply as I dreaded the moment I opened the door. I sat on the bathtub rim and breathed in deeply for a few moments to figure out my next move. I felt like John Travolta's character in Pulp Fiction when he is in the bathroom talking himself out of doing anything sexual with Uma Thurman's character.

Oh god. I just wanted to go home for fucks sake.

I reached for my soda and slurped the last dying slurp of the beverage. I was suddenly snapped back into reality as if a rift opened up in space and time. I looked down and discovered I had eaten every last crumb.

I know everything was tasty and I know I consumed it all, but I didn't remember it! My thoughts were taking over everything! I was a little miffed at this but I knew I had places to be and relaxing to do so I got up and stretched and a yawn flew from the deepest parts of my body and out of my mouth like an animal released from captivity into the wild. It was an amazing stretch I'll tell you that much.

I threw my refuse in the outside garbage bin and sauntered to my car. The sun was nice and warm on my bare legs. I looked down at what I was wearing and snickered a little.No wonder the perfect patrons at In and Out were having a laugh at me. I guess I really was letting my thoughts take over.

I decided I had better get gas right away before I went back into my head. I needed to change into something less pajama and more vacation. I also really needed sunglasses. Not sleeping, and having the sun rape my eyes was not something I wanted to continue for much longer.

I drove to the gas station closest to In and Out. I almost forgot I had to pump my own gas! While I filled my tank I had an Oregonian pride moment. At home nobody pumps their own gas. Most of us don't even know how to do it!

I found a cute pair of sunglasses for only 5.99 plus tax and added that to my purchase. I threw those things on so fast I'm sure I must have looked hung over, or high on something. Who cares, I thought “deal with it” and went to my car half strutting.

After I left I headed towards the coast. I was mere hours away from a nice long nap, some surfing on the internet and pretending there was no such thing as work, home or Cole. Although, I don't think any amount of time or space would make me forget about Cole. Still. Remember that bit about him being the air I breath? Yeah I wasn't joking. I set the cruise control and dove back into myself.

I was in that bathroom for what felt like eternity. I was trying to think of an excuse to leave, but also trying to talk myself out of doing anything sexual with Dameon. I knew he would somehow get my pants off and we would be in a situation that would be good at the time but would mess with my head right after.

I just didn't feel I was of sound mind to make a decision like that. From the display of charisma I just witnessed upon stepping over the threshold I assumed I was in for a doozy. I walked out of the bathroom determined to keep both feet on the floor and both legs crossed.

Dameon walked over to me and motioned for me to sit on the couch with him. I plopped down, it was my best attempt at “nonchalant”. I hoped he was setting the scene for D and Lani rehash the Cole incident part one. That wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

Dameon grabbed my hand and caressed it in the same manor he had in the car. I felt my pulse rise with every stroke. He just had to gaze into my eyes with those baby blues I used to stare at while being underneath him all those times. I swallowed hard, it felt like I had just ate a bag of cotton balls. He continued to massage my hand, and I closed my eyes. I had to really focus. He was totally trying to seduce me!

I started to think about fat guys, and front butts. Anything to get my mind off of the naughty awful things I knew D was thinking right then. I was really hard up for sex. I really enjoyed sex. I loved it. Cole was off limits and the urges didn't go away.

It was all that was on my mind naturally. My 19 year old hormones were starting to intoxicate me. It was like he was transferring a file from his brain to mine. And the file read “PRONS”. (Google that term and you'll see what I'm saying!) I had to keep my wits about me – though its really hard to do that when a guy is massaging your hand and leading it to his lap. Wait, what? His LAP?!

“OH GOD!” I thought. I was starting to lean in. I was giving in! So, I started to think about Cole. I started to remember that I loved him deeply, and Dameon was my ex. My brain started to actually work thank god.

I peeked one eye open to see what was happening. My hand was to intersect with his lap in about 5 seconds.

Through my partially open left eye I saw what he was doing. I all the sudden felt rage! He had my hand on his lap next to his now open fly, can you guess what was poking out of the fly!? An erect naked penis! I pulled away in a hurry and stood up as fast as I could. I grabbed my keys and went to the door. All I could think about was Cole, and that he was right! I shouldn't have been texting D. I felt disgusting.

Without even zipping himself up he ran to try and intercept me.

“WHAT?! WHAT'S WRONG??!!” He said, dick flapping in the breeze.

I just looked at him trying to gauge the situation. I pursed my lips to convey a perplexed look. He was just using my dilemma to get into my pants! That or he had only wanted to get into my pants the entire time we were texting. Which is probably the case with a guy like him. I wanted to howl at the moon all the sudden. That would have felt nice.

“ Seriously?! What is your problem? We used to fuck all the time!” Dameon yelled at me indignant.

I felt like a tea kettle right when the water boils and that annoying whistle sounds. I exploded in anger.

“ Why in the fuck would you think that this is a good time to try this? I was just crying on the side of a street because I am so hurt by today's events which in reality YOU CAUSED! You really think I would have sex with you right now?” I was stiff with anger.

I stared at him with red hot eyes. My palms were sweating. My forehead was soaked with sweat as well. I felt queasy, like really, really queasy.

What he said next is almost so unbelievable I almost don't believe it myself.

“ Well. I was kind of hoping you were going to 'repay' me for helping you back there.” He said it in a low voice, so serious it made bile come up into my throat.. “ I have no intention of having sex, I thought you would just, I don't know, go down on me. I don't want you to get any ideas about us getting back together.”

Right then I puked. Did I run to the bathroom to do so? Nope. I puked all over his wood floors. It wasn't a lot, since the pizza I was supposed to eat was cooling in my back seat but it was still gross. I wiped my mouth and looked at him again. He was standing there with a bewildered look on his face. I know it threw him off as much as it did me. I was never one to nervously vomit at all. He took a step back.

“ Dameon... litterally, you made me physically sick. I thought you were texting me as a friend. I thought maybe we were going to make up and be friends. I had no intentions of us getting back together.” I said grabbing paper towels and cleaner from under his kitchen sink. I was pissed but I couldn't leave my former liquified insides there to stink up his apartment. Though I probably should have, I have class.

“ Lani, I should have been more clear with you. I got your number from Cady to text you. We texted that whole night and I was asking you advice since you were my only ex-girlfriend I had in this town since I moved here.

I was looking for advice. Then today I texted you because I saw you randomly. I was a little horny, and thought if you were alone I could join you for pizza and then we'd go to my place. After you said Cole was with you I went to get gas and smokes but I felt obligated to come see if you were OK when I saw your little freak out! And since I did, I was pretty sure you were going to be a sure thing. I'm a guy what can I say.” He shrugged like a douche bag and smiled.

He was dead fucking honest with me right now. As if I had given him a truth serum.

I was speechless. I had no idea he was this big of a douche ! I just stood there waiting for him to finish his thought if he had more to say. And if he was done I was going to leave without so much as another word. His little speech got worse though. I rubbed my face in frustration.

“ keep this between us ok? I don't want any of this to come out to any of my friends. They would make fun of me for talking to you again.” He winced and bit his lip to assert his seriousness. Once again I must highlight the fact that he was dead serious saying all of this to me. I felt like I was in the twilight zone!

“ Who are you D? You have changed. You are no longer that sweet quiet guy who gave a shit about a girl's feelings. Now you are just slutty. And heartless.” I said with every word I was scrubbing my vomit from his floor. More and more I wished I had just left it there to seep in.

“ I have no interest in you romantically. I just was hoping for a fuck buddy. I should have been more clear.” He was winning douche bag of the year. I had had enough.

I held up my index finger to point at him and insult him further. But his smug face just made me want to insert my finger in his fucking eye. So I just shook the finger and made a face. I spun around on my heels, leaving the remnants of my vomit on the towels there on the floor.

I didn't even let him finish. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and walked out the door. I sprinted to my car, turned on the ignition and within seconds I was out of the parking lot and on my way home. In my rear view I saw him running after me but then he stopped when he realized he needed to zip up his pants.

Another cigarette lit up and was inserted into my mouth. I puffed away on that thing like it was nobody's business.

I screamed at the top of my lungs over and over, and struggled to see through the curtain of tears that decorated my tear ducts. I put my sunglasses on to try and shield the outside world from my unbridled outburst. I feared getting pulled over. The sunglasses would make me less obvious. I managed to make it all the way home unscathed, and un-followed due to the fact that Dameon had left his car at the gas station. I was pretty stoked about that.

I pulled into my driveway and thought about where I should park. I now had 2 men that may or may not come over looking to talk. Cole had a habit of cooling down and coming over with a head full of “i know we can fix this”.

Dameon normally wouldn't bother, but this time was different. It was borderline sexual assault he had just pulled. For fear of his freedom from jail and a criminal record he may come over for damage control. I don't know. I just knew something was going to go down for sure. My internal pissed off -o-meter was starting to soar up to the red zone.

I knew Dameon would take longer to show up than Cole since his vehicle was a mile or more away from him, but Cole could show up at any time. I decided to park my car in the back of the lot. I knew a place by the back dumpsters that would camouflage my car. I usually parked in the same spot so anyone who knew me would think I wasn't home unless they looked intently for my car.

I pulled into the space next to the teeming dumpsters. It was nearing dark. The sky had a purple haze to it. I sat there for a minute, trying to calm my racing mind from all the insanity I had just experienced the past hour. I looked at my clock and only 2 hours and 16 minutes had passed since I picked Cole up for our normally planned day! This was too much.

At first I was sad. Tears were all I saw, but something filled up inside of me. It was like hot lava was pouring into me in fast forward. My sadness for Cole was over shadowed by the rage I felt toward Dameon.

I took my sunglasses off while I started to slow down my breath. I held them in my right hand. No, I squeezed them like a ripe orange in a juicer. Then, I just stopped. Everything stopped. I wasn't crying, I wasn't screaming and I wasn't thinking.

For a few moments there was a calm washing over me. But the heat was too intense inside. I raised my hand up in the air, glasses still in my grasp, and I repeatedly stabbed my steering wheel with them.

I was glad I was secluded because I know I probably looked certifiable. But oh the tranquility I felt! Adrenaline pumped through every hair in my head then slowly fell to that tingling feeling that descends all the way down the legs and settles at the feet. It was then I saw the blood in my hand.