Sometimes Love isn't Enough Chapter 3

chapter3

Suddenly, my train of thought derailed. "Why the HELL did I say that to him.. What the FUCK WAS I THINKING!!" I growled through my teeth. I white knuckled the steering wheel and and let out a frustrated squeal. 

I'm sure other travelers saw my outburst and laughed but I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth to him yesterday!! Especially knowing what I know now! I began to calm down and shot my glance down to the clock while chugging the last of my drink. The clock read 7:07. Miles from home now, I went back to my thoughts. 

I just remember the calm before the storm. 

"Oh shit, that really just came out of my mouth didn't it?"

he zeroed in on me with this piercing glare, almost blank but with enough emotion to pass as rage. His weight shifted to this aggressive stance and his arms folded across his chest automatically.  He stood there with that look on his face for at least 10 seconds before reacting.

"OH SO YOU TWO ARE ON TEXT MESSAGING TERMS NOW HUH?!?! Well that is FUCKING GREAT. SO YOU LIED TO ME THEN!!! I BET THAT WAS HIM TEXTING YOU JUST A SECOND AGO, RIGHT LEILANI??!" cole sternly emoted to me, gritting his teeth in pure, ravenous anger.

 You could see the veins popping out of his forehead and neck. He was so mad. I was facepalming on the inside. It was almost comical and much like a sitcom cliche for me to mess up like that! I wasn't quite sure how to handle this. All I knew was  I grew tired of the constant fighting with Cole.  

I was starting to get pissed. "How is it lying to you if I never said we were talking. It never really crossed my mind to tell you every detail of my life." 

He looked like he was going to start foaming at the mouth.

I went on rambling. " I wasn't being purposely secretive, and I didn't do this to get back at you for anything. It's just text messaging." I was swallowing the foot in my mouth. 

I knew I should stop talking, but I kept orally defecating. "I see no need to hate him anymore. Why is it so bad for me talk to him?" 

 Cole interrupted  me by blurting out, " I can't fucking trust you!"  He stopped to think of the next thing to say, scratching his eyebrow. "How do you expect me to want to leave my wife for this.." His tone was very ominous and calm as he said those words. They echoed in my head. 

He wiped his eyes and shook his head. "Seriously. After all the shit you talked to me about Dameon, you are talking to him again! You told me all those times we saw him at the drag strip how big of a dick he was to you and how you hated him. You said he only used to you for sex, and did so even after you broke up until you met me. He USED you. At the drag strip you were making fun of him right along with me and the guys.  That was what, last month? Now all the sudden you are on speaking terms with him!? How can you not see how fucked up that is!? There is no way I can leave my wife, and wreck the life I've built for a girl like you. You're a liar! "

 Those words sliced at my heart.  He always threatened our future together when we fought. I wish I could explain myself better. I was young still, I wasn't very good at articulating. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't fight back or say anything else to him, I just sat there with the look of pain written on my face. I think cole was waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't.

After a moment more Cole broke our uncomfortable silence. " Yep." He said sharply, as if answering a question he asked himself silently.

"Fuck this! I'm out of here. I'm canceling band practice today. I need some time to think.  I think its best if you stay the fuck away from me for a while." 

Cole stood up and  threw his five dollar tip down on the table. He walked over to the counter to tell the guy to box up the pizza instead of bringing it to us at the table. They had just finished it. 

He paced in front of the fountain beverages while the the guy boxed up our pizza. I sat at the table, not quite sure how I felt.  I mean I was hurt, and trying not to cry, but there was something else welling up inside of me.

I knew that would make everything even worse. The tears were right at the brim of my bottom eyelids. I thought by lightly fluttering my eyelids and looking up  instead of blinking that I would escape the downpour of tears, but it was too late. streams flowed down my cheeks. My lungs grew heavy. It felt like razors and concrete settling in there. I needed to wipe these tears away before Cole came back. He would be mad at me for crying.

You know if someone see's a pretty girl crying in public they automatically think nasty things about the guy who is with her. 

"Bam!" A pizza box slammed on the table in front of me. 

Shit! 

I wasn't fast enough in wiping the tears from my cheeks. Cole noticed immediately, cocked his head down and inspected my face.  

"Are you seriously crying right now? Here we go again Leilani! Here you go causing a scene! People are going to think I'm a dick! Quit crying, this is all your fault. We both know this. I'm fucking wasting my time with you. While you go running back to your ex. I might as well just be unhappy in my marriage. At least I know she would never leave me for her douche bag ex-boyfriend!" He said in a stern, almost fatherly whisper to me. He sat down on the edge of the chair across from me and laid his head on the table, contemplating his next move.

The sadness outweighed the anger. At the time, it never occurred to me that maybe Cole was right. Or maybe i had no right to react to it at all. Maybe he should just deal with it since I was told many countless times not to treat him like my boyfriend. All the while he was allowed to treat me like his girlfriend? Bullshit! I was fully aware of this while I was recounting the story.

Was he purposely making himself more angry than he should be in order to gain some control over me? I wasn't quite sure, but his reaction seemed due to his fear of losing me. I don't know why he feared losing me so much when it seemed like lately all he did was fight with me, and threaten leaving me all together.

 I was really confused. It was almost like a lucid dream, without being able to control the events. I just stared at the carpet, and fought the tears instead of Cole. 

His harsh words filled up inside taking over the last remnants of emotion control. In the moment, I felt like I deserved this punishment. I deserved to be yelled at. I was spiraling again. I was letting this guy get deep down into the places in my soul no one person should touch in an other. It was horrible. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. 

"You keep the fucking pizza. Let me in the car. I need to get my shit out of there. I don't want to even look at you. You obviously can't stop crying, and you sure as hell have nothing to say for yourself.  I don't care what you do, but I'm walking home." 

He got up and stormed out of the building. I meekly nodded at the pizza guy. He looked as confused as I felt.

I kept my head down so Cole couldn't see my tears, which were unstoppable by now. I grabbed the box of piping hot pizza and my gaze was lifted up. 

I saw Dameon across the street at the gas station. He was paying the cashier, it looked like he was getting cigarettes. Our eyes met. I looked back down really quick so cole didn't notice me looking, and grabbed my purse. I walked out the door. I knew Dameon saw me, and I knew he saw my tears. Great. Just what I needed right? 

I opened the car and put my things inside. My knees were shaking. I was fighting the urge to sob. I watched Cole fumble angrily around in the back seat grabbing all of his possessions, as if he never planned on returning to this car again.

 "So this is it?" No answer. "Cole? Seriously what the hell does this mean?" I finally mustered up enough strength to inquire in a wobbly, wheat thin voice.

The reply I got both shocked, and amazed me. 

"Cole will talk to you, when COLE wants to talk to you. GOT IT?" He said sounding childish and petty. He slammed the door and started to walk away. 

This was a bad idea before I even executed it. I knew this was just making things worse, but I couldn't stop myself. I walked after him like a scolded lap dog. He began to run, I began to run after. He burst into a sprint. I sprinted too, but I couldn't keep up. Fucking asthma. 

"Cole wait!" I squeaked in futility. He didn't respond. He rounded a corner. I half hoped he would come back, realizing he was wrong. 

But he didn't.

The sinking feeling in my chest was making it hard to get enough air in my lungs. I stopped to breath. I was gasping in large gulps of air. Cole was gone, and without Cole I couldn't breath. I know that sounds idiotic but it was true in that moment.

I was so upset.  I was hysterical and unable to get oxygen into my lungs at all. I sobbed.  It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt my heart breaking. No, I felt it shatter. I clutched my arms close to my chest desperate to relieve some of the pain. I fell to my knees. I was having a full blown panic attack!

I shifted my legs to cross over one another and laid my elbows on my knees. I sat like that next to the busy intersection on the sidewalk attempting to slow my breath down. I'm sure it was quite a sight! 

 I hid my face from onlookers to conceal my identity. I knew that would be pointless to those who know me best. I was quite recognizable with my multi-colored hair and not so subtle hippie dress. I was hoping upon hope that Dameon had left already. I wanted to throw my fit in peace, (next to the traffic) calm down and go home and hide til morning and Avoid further conflict with Cole by not being seen with Dameon. My tears were flooding my palms in a combination of sadness and anger.

 I hit my steering wheel in a frustrated outburst, forgetting the battle wound from yesterday! I screamed a pained scream. Reliving this nightmare was making my head spin, so the outburst was forgivable aside from the adding to the heartbeat in my palm. 

My entire fucking reality was starting to shift. It was just hard to relive something that just happened less than 24 hours before. This was a fresh wound in my heart and by thinking about it in detail like I was ripped the scab off. 

At the same time I had a partially new stance on the matter. I was starting to see the situation from an outside perspective, which made me hate myself for just sitting by the road and sobbing.

I was wrong for talking to Dameon. But Cole was wrong for freaking out on me and assuming I was doing something wrong with him by just texting. My hand was bleeding from the rage fit against my steering wheel. fucking wonderful! I grabbed a napkin in that hand and pressed it against my leg to  stop the bleeding. Damn it stung!

I was  foolish for loving cole, it was obvious to me at that moment. Being with someone who has prior lifetime commitments to somebody ELSE is pretty messed up. I hid myself from that reality for so long it was almost a new to thing to think! I felt really sad that I let him control my emotions.  

Then again you can't help who  you love. That's how i was in this mess to begin with.

If Cole and I were in a real relationship the omission about Dameon and I talking would in fact be pretty fucked up. That wasn't the case though. We were two people who were in love, and weren't supposed to be. I guess, maybe, I should have said something about it though. It does seem shady. I know that now.

Instead of giving up and wallowing in self pity, I returned to my memory of the day before. I was getting somewhere. On the path to a real solution to this perpetuated issue. I reached behind me and grabbed a slice out of the pizza box, shoved it in my mouth and began to chew. I started to mumble my thoughts again, audibly, but I wasn't making sense with the mouthful. I hoped maybe I could find an answer that made sense.

My shame was out the window as I sat there on that sidewalk.  I was just sitting there losing my mind, losing my grip on everything. While I was sitting there I felt a hand on my shoulder and another arm wrapping around me. All of the sudden I was on my feet. I was startled. Was it Cole coming back to apologize and wisk me away to our happily ever after? Sadly, no.

"Lani are you ok?" Dameon said brushing my hair out of my face. I looked up at him kind of disappointed, I wanted it to be Cole.

Tears were still streaming down my high cheek bones. I felt  instant comfort all over by seeing his face. I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, but it was  enough for Dameon to notice my collapse, and run across the street to my rescue. My eyes plummeted down in embarrassment. I hoped Cole wasn't seeing this embrace take place. 

Dameon knew all about Cole. They had a stupid rivalry ever since Cole beat Dameon at the drags a month or so ago. From the moment Dameon arrived all Cole could do was talk shit, and taunt Dameon. Cole thought it was necessary to tell  Dameon that his car was lame, and thought it poignant to tell him over and over in increasingly hostile ways throughout the night. 

Of course, being a prideful guy himself, Dameon had shot the shit back to defend himself. It must have been pretty embarrassing to Dameon when he lost because he took off after the race ended and didn't even come back for his time slip. Which only added to Cole's delight in making fun of D.

Dameon explained in full how he thought Cole was a huge douchebag when we began talking. He was the first person who was upfront with me and told me I was better than Cole, and should end the relationship. I told him the situation was complicated and changed the subject.

We always ended up back on that topic every time we spoke, after that he insisted we talk about sex. I usually changed the subject when it came to that shit. I had come to the conclusion that D must have still been in love with me, but with him you never know. He really is sort of a dick at times.

I pushed away from Dameon after a long comforting hug. I wiped my eyes, still slightly sniveling. 

Dameon's bold blue eyes met mine, and when I tried to look away he grabbed my chin in his index finger and thumb so I couldn't. No escaping this uncomfortable feeling, I silently concluded.

 I knew he must be feeling pretty accomplished. Dameon was into saving Damsels in distress. I was pissed that i fit that category. I was even more pissed that i was enjoying this attention. 

I was still sort of worried that Cole would come back and catch me with D. It felt like I was going to jump out of my skin if we stood there in the open much longer. Still silent, I grabbed Dameon by the hand and led him to my car. If anything I wanted to be less conspicuous. Dameon followed without protest.

We walked to the driver-side door. D opened it for me chivalrously and braced me as I clumsily sat down. He just knelt in front of me, still holding my hand. I finally had enough air to breath normally. I took a deep breath thankful that I could. That must have been the signal for Dameon to inquire about what happened. 

I found my hidden pack of smokes and lit up.

" so, what happened? Did I cause this?  I had a bad feeling after you told me you were with him, then didn't text back. I was taking my sweet time. I saw everything. I saw you collapse as I was getting ready to take off." He spoke softly. I could tell he knew the gist of what happened. I could tell he felt bad being partly at fault for what happened. Not for Cole's outburst, but being the reason Cole was mad in the first place.

 "He found out about us talking. I must have been feeling guilty or something because I just blurted out that we were texting each other. I don't know what possessed me to do that. I'm an idiot! I guess it couldn't really be avoided though." I said shaking my head, slowly starting to cry again.

"I'm sorry D. You might be right about Cole, but please save the 'I told you so's' for now. I don't really want to go there right now. You know he is my Kryptonite!"

Though I am no superman. That is for sure after the emotional scene I just made. I fished in my glove box for a tissue. The snot rolling down my upper lip must have been attractive.  Dameon looked uncomfortable.

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to start anything. I didn't even know you guys were here together. Had I known I probably would have just kept driving and let it be. We don’t have to talk about it right now." He said rubbing his thumb across the top of my hand. He always was a man of few words.

 "Do you want to come to my place for a bit?" Dameon had a funny look on his face as he asked.

"We don't have to talk, but I can't imagine you wanting to go home and be alone when you're this upset."  He was right. He knew me so well. During my fit being alone was all I wanted. As soon as it passed so did the urge to be alone I guess. 

I climbed over the center console to the passenger seat rolled down my window and flicked my cigarette butt out. Dameon caught on and got in the driver seat. He looked at me again with concern. 

Still holding my hand, he lifted it up to his lips and kissed it. The goosebumps were visible. I felt butterflies. Butterflies mixed with that deep down sadness. It was a pretty interesting sensation. I knew I probably shouldn't be enjoying any of it, but I was. But then again I wasn't. I felt like vomiting.

D finally released my hand to start the ignition. I put both hands on my forehead. A sense of relief infiltrated my otherwise frazzled psyche. A smile crept across my face. At the time I wasn't quite sure what that meant. Hell, I wasn't sure of anything. 

I began the self-talk process. You know, “ everything will be ok.” and “ this too shall pass.” and all the other inspirational things you're supposed to say to yourself when your upset.

 Dameon looked at me before backing out of the space. "It's going to be ok Lani. I promise."

 We pulled out 2 cars behind Cole and his wife. My heart sunk.

I guess "I'm walking home." Was obviously a lie on his part. I didn't care as much about that. I was just thanking God Cole didn't see me with Dameon.