Sometimes Love isn't Enough Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

 I was madly in love with Cole, but he was not mine. That is the short, short version of everything.

The truth is this thought infected every square inch of my brain. If I really let it sink in, and I thought more rationally and not thinking with my heart so much I wouldn't be in this situation. An overwhelming feeling in my stomach knotted up when I thought about him.  Although at first I thought it was the coffee I was chugging, I soon realized it wasn't.

I always felt tense when I thought of him, and I thought about him every moment. I thought about seeing him, or talking to him when he wasn't around. And even though I didn't even see him more than a day a week, I was consumed with the thought of our reunion every single day. 

When he would call I would drop everything. When I say I dropped everything, I mean I would make myself  absolutely available, and disappointed anyone I was with that is if he had free time to visit with me.

When he was near the air in my lungs became shallow and hurried as if I couldn't get enough of him.  He was pumping the oxygen straight into me.  When he didn't call, or when he couldn't see me that week my lungs felt heavy and my breathing more forced. I couldn't breath without him.

I was shamelessly dependent on him for my very fragile happiness. That explains why things were falling to the wayside at home. When your emotions are as fucked up as mine were, you tend to not see the real issue, but they manifest in very physical and attention getting ways. I guess its like an early warning system for your eminent mental breakdown. 

I didn't think about how foolish I was being, but somewhere inside I knew I was. It wasn't just because of the age difference, but it was a factor. I was still young, and wasn't completely aware of the difference in experience between Cole and I.

It's never about the age in any situation, it is however the difference of experience in life. We didn't share the same schema in many ways. I was fresh out of high school, and like most I thought I knew everything. I was out exercising my independence, and free will. I was just having my first real jobs, and my first  apartment. I had my first  car, and of course my first real relationship. My first adult relationship with a man, was a farce.

 Of course i didn't see it that way because to me it wasn't a farce. It had no label. It couldn't have one, but it was the real fucking deal. Cole was 5 years older than I, which isn't a huge difference in age, but in experience it might as well be a lifetime. I was  intelligent, I knew I loved him and why. I was just making stupid decisions.  

Cole was something else. He was amazing. He had the most amazing skill at guitar. His voice was one of the voices that could send chills down my back. He had this warmth about him. He really cared about everyone in his life. He gave when people needed. The best listener I had ever met in my life was Cole. No friend was ever as loyal and fun either. He was my best friend.

There was only one big problem keeping us from being the best couple ever forged. He was married.

He owned a business and made really good money for someone at just 25 years old. I never cared about the money for the record. He was just a great guy to be around. Always thoughtful, and caring. He made me laugh. We had great times together.

We started out as just friends. We were in a band together. I sang lead vocals, and he was the guitarist. The more and more we got into the music we made together, the more we saw of each other. At first we talked about life, like most friends do. It soon became obvious to me that his ideas of me were changing, but he was married so i never let myself feel that way about him.

He invited me to hang out more and more. He was inviting me to watch him drag race his super fast

car, instead of his wife sometimes. We'd go and it would be just us. I had a lot of the most life changing advice when we went to the track.

He offered me a second job working with him. I lived close to one of the stores he had a floor cleaning contract with. It was easy for me to pop over there and clean and make a quick buck. There was a time of the month where he needed help with the monthly maintenance and I started to be invited more and more to tag along. Sometimes to help. Sometimes just for company.

 It was also around this time the inevitable happened.

I slurped some coffee and wiped my eyes. I was starting to feel excited about the trip even more.

I thought about how I knew he was in love with me. Reality was interrupted. Strolling down memory lane and figuring out the meaning of it all was the point of my impromptu vacation.

We had just gotten done with a floor job and we were eating some fast food at the bar in his kitchen late one night. Everyone was asleep and it was too late for me to drive home and I was exhausted. I used to sleep over from time to time if band practice ran late. it wasn't uncommon for me be there that late.

I was explaining how alone I felt in the world. I was an only child whose parents both died before I was in high school. I had said something about feeling like there was no one in the world who just loved me. Someone who loved me for who I was, and it would never die.

He looked at me while he was chewing his burger. The look was weird so I laughed to escape an awkward moment.

He wiped his mouth and we just basked in this silence. It was a heavy silence. I sat there thinking “what the fuck is happening here?” I had honestly no idea what he was thinking. 

Sure enough he sat his burger down and leaned on the bar and said the most sincere and honest confession I had ever heard in my life.

“ what if I told you I loved you?” and he looked away after he said it like it was a bad thing to say. As if to gauge my reaction.

I swallowed my food hard and looked at him like a deer in headlights for a long while.

He scrambled for some words and blurted out “ AS A FRIEND!” He had that smile that you just can't get rid of. You know when you have a crush? And you see said crush and you go and speak to them and you can't stop smiling and your cheeks hurt more than anything ever? Yeah, that smile.

I finally broke my silence by saying, and not thinking before saying mind you, “ I.. Love you too.”

We sat further in silence and finished our food. I think we were both processing.

I finished eating and changed in my pajamas and came back to make my bed on the couch. He came over to me with his arms extended. We hugged a lot. I never thought anything of it because he hugged everyone. But this hug was different somehow.

After the hug he pushed me to knock me backwards on the couch. It was playful and silly. Without a beat I said through laughter “ I hate you!”.

This is how I knew for real. What he said to me stuck in my head like nothing else ever has.

“Um. You don't hate me. You love me. You said it earlier and I swear I will never forget it.” He slicked his hair back under his hat and walked out of the room towards his bedroom.

That night everything started to change. I shook my head and gulped fresh air frenzied. I forgot what the beginning was like.

A few weeks after that things were weird. Everything we did was normal, but under the surface something else was growing. I ignored how I felt most of the time because I knew if I let myself feel it that would be the end.

One night at band practice we were preparing to record our stuff. We were trying to find a place for me to record my voice. I was going to have to be last because I couldn't write without the music in my ear or something. We had the bright idea to set me up in his SUV. I had enough room to kneel which would help my breathing and I would be able to sing comfortably.

Cole and I were outside by ourselves figuring exactly where I'd stand and where we would set up the mic and out of no where he just looked at me again. It was a look of admiration. I felt my hair stand up on the nape of my neck and something else down south. I got a little uncomfortable but that was because I forced myself to be uncomfortable.

“Hey Lani. If I had never met Daisy.. HYPOTHETICALLY. If I had never met her and I wasn't married to her, would you be with me?” he asked me very straightforward.

A smile stretched across my face and I immediately began laughing. “Are you for real right now?” I said through my nervous laughter.

“Dead serious”

“Why would ask me that? Why would you want to know the answer to that question!?” I asked speeding up with every word I said. I was flustered.

“I.. I don't know. I just need to know.” He said his voice getting sheepishly softer.

Our eyes locked. I knew then things weren't going to be the same after this. So I was honest with myself for once about this whole thing.

“ I think you know the answer to that question.” I said equally sheepish.

“ I need to hear you say it. Just tell me. I have to know.” He was really determined.

“You know the answer to that Cole!” I said again shifting my weight to my left hip.

He just looked at me. His gestures were saying “OK, go on.”

I sighed. I looked around because I was so guilty even saying it. I knew saying it would mean it was out there.

“Of course I would. If I had met you and you were single and I was single.. I mean.. you KNEW that I would say that so why ask?” I said. I felt my face redden.

“ I just needed to hear it.” He spun around on his heel and went back inside and talked to our drummer about inputs and outputs and other stuff like our whole exchange didn't happen.

I followed suit. It was out there. And by him asking me I knew that he wanted to be with me.

I learned sometime after that he had suicidal thoughts at the time. A lot of it had to do with his past, but some of it was because he was unhappy. I was helping him through it all. We were getting somewhere.

When I learned more and more about him I fell in love.

I shook my head and rolled down the window for some fresh air. Anything to get the thought out of my head. I hadn't been in the moment since I left!

It's funny, even my thought patterns went off into tangents. Kind of like having a conversation. I had to cover every single detail  in my own mind. I knew I must recount the entire previous day before going into these other in depth issues and find out what the hell to make of it. I had enough time to think about everything that has ever happened with Cole. I knew this was just the tip of the ice burg, but I had to start somewhere. I needed for focus on yesterday.

I slurped some of my beverage and checked my hand wound. It was infected. I needed to get my first aid kit as soon as I could. “ I better not forget to do that!” I said out loud to remind myself. I needed something for this hand. I was pretty sure I needed professional assistance with the wound but I thought i'd wait it out.

Reciting a story in my head I began to focus on the key points, and little details of the ridiculous scene from the night before. I opened my energy drink, and guzzled half of it down right away. With a belch I said " OK,". This was my very lady like way to re-start my brain to focus on the previous day.  

I picked Cole up to go out for our pizza ritual yesterday. This was our once a week day allotted to spend with each other. Every Tuesday we'd get together and go to the same pizza place and after we ate we'd spend the day together until band practice. I was looking forward to this day all week. 

His wife had found out about us. Cole basically told her he couldn't live without me. He told her a bunch of stuff apparently because she was ok with us still being in the band together, me working for him, and us hanging out. She just limited our time. It sucked, but what was I going to do? I was the home wrecker. I was glad to get anytime with him.

We hadn't been seeing each other as regularly because our drummer was out of town. Thus our reasoning for hanging was faulty. We usually met up at noon at his house. But today he had a lot of things to take care of before we hung out so we met up at 3 instead. A nice late lunch.

His guilt for leaving his wife to spend time with me had been eating at him lately. We used to spend a lot more time together. Almost everyday for 9 months. But it was causing him a lot of strife at home. It was causing me to become increasingly dependent on him too, which wasn't working.  the one day a week rule was implemented  in January. It killed me.  I'd been pulling away from him lately because its been 4 months of only seeing him once if I'm lucky 2 times a week. It was starting to wear on me and I was lonely. I loved him much more than I can explain but I was starting to lose hope. It was a little over a year and he still hadn't left his wife!

It wasn't fair to me but it was worse to do to her I thought.

I pulled up in his driveway as his wife was getting in their Luxury SUV. She made it obvious she saw me. She gave me this unmoving eye contact. Much like that of a Tiger stalking its prey. The look she gave me sent shivers down my body. I hadn't really felt this emotion the whole time Cole and I had been in love. That was the first time I felt her hate rain upon me. I'm not going to lie.. it was quite frightening. 

Cole was conversing with his wife before he made his way to my car. It felt like ages. I watched them talk. I saw their chemistry. They had been together for almost 9 years at that point. What struck me deep down was how good a time he seemed to be having while talking to her. It made me feel dirty. I pretended to look for a new cd in my case so I could break the stare and alleviate my overwhelming uncomfortable emotions. 

Cole's hearty chuckle as he opened my car door made me want to scream, and vomit.

 I was jealous. I was a fucking bitch for being jealous of a man and his wife, but how was I supposed to feel? I was a broken shell of a girl, just out of high school. My parents had both died before i was 14. I lost my dad at age 5 to suicide. Hence my intense fear of Cole doing the same thing.

My mom died suddenly when I was 14. I had no siblings, and a really dysfunctional home life. Which also explains my fear of death, and wasting time. When Cole came into my life he was instrumental in helping me find my way to conquering my past. I disclosed my entire life story to this man, and he didn't judge me. When I learned of his suicidal tendencies of course I was going to help.

Of course I would. Because, and this is hard to admit and hard to even think about, but Cole has 2 children. His oldest had just turned 5. I usually push that whole fact out of my mind. If I was constantly thinking about that I probably wouldn't have let it get this deep. Just another thing to add to the list of mistakes.

 My love for Cole was much more than romantic. But lately things had been routine and I was afraid I was going to have to move on. I didn't know what that would do to someone who was unstable. I didn't know if I could handle a life with out him.

We rode in silence most of the way to lunch. Neither of us spoke. It was awkward. Once we were next to the pizza place he started small talk with me. I was trying to forget the angry butterflies that infested my stomach when she gave me that look. It was nice to have something else to focus on finally. We went in the establishment, I found a table, and he ordered then skittered off to the men's room. As per usual. 

Cole was gone for nearly ten minutes in the restroom when I felt my cell phone buzzing in my pocket. I thought it might be Cole telling me what the hell was taking him so long in there, so  I squeezed my fingers into my tight pocket, wiggled the phone free and opened the text hurriedly.

 " Howz teh pizza? " said the text. 

SHIT!

It was from Dameon,  who was gridlocked in traffic just kitty corner from the pizza parlor.

"Oh. Fuck." I said under my breath spotting his car in the sea of traffic. 

Cole hated Dameon, and vice versa. It went further than someone who just hates their lover's ex. He was afraid i'd run off with Dameon if ever Cole and I's union were to crumble.

Cole would freak out if he knew I was keeping the fact that I was on speaking terms with Dameon from him. He would be pissed if I told him. It was a lose-lose situation. I hated secrets. I was no good at keeping them if they were my secrets.

 So needless to say the text I got just then sent me into a panic. It  became apparent that Dameon was planning on pulling into the parking lot to say hi to me since his blinker was on and he was inching towards the driveway entrance.

I so didn't need that drama right then. Especially with the circumstances. Cole and I had been fighting a lot. Our unconventional relationship was taking it's toll on our lives. I wanted more, he wanted less, but demanded more when he deemed that it fit his schedule. This surprise from Dameon was the last thing I needed, or maybe it was just the push I needed to leave Cole for good. I wasn't sure, but my heart raced all the same.

I panicked and texted "yep its damn good 'zah. here with Cole. text you later, now is not a good time."

 Dameon knew all about my relationship with Cole. He didn't agree with it obviously, no one in my life really did, but they all went along with it to keep me happy. I don't know whether that approach was healthy or not since it kept me thinking what I was doing was OK, at least on the surface.

 I closed my phone and jumped half way out of my skin when I  realized Cole was right behind me. 

I felt it wasn't any of Cole's business that I had just started talking to Dameon again. It was a month before, around the same time Cole and I began the constant fighting  when I got a text saying " you were right, i dont deserve happiness". I found out it was from Dameon and began to talk to him as friends. He was asking me a bunch of questions about things that happened during our relationship and seeking out advice.

I guess because we were once happy and together he felt that I could answer his many questions. Although most of his questions were about our previous sex life. It wasn't as awkward as you would think. Just nice to have someone to text and talk to whenever I could. I barely ever heard from Cole unless it was about our band practice/hangout day.

D and my break up wasn't very pretty. He was a fucking pig. We hadn't spoken for the better part of the  year, and when we made up I felt at ease. I figured we made up because he was texting me daily. He wouldn't mention our texts to Cady, our mutual friend who gave him my number. She was more my friend than his, but she dealt with him because they hung in the same circle.

I know deep down I still found him attractive. How could I not! he was beautiful. He was really quiet, and had different interests than I had, but it worked. Well it worked until it didn't. Everyone goes through that nonsense in high school though.

 I also kinda half-hoped I could maybe sleep with Dameon since Cole wouldn't. Isn't that a bitch? He cheats on his wife by "falling in love" with someone else, and then doesn't have sex with the mistress. I guess in all honesty my morals wouldn't really let me get close to sex with Cole either, but its the idea of it. What made things worse is he would tell me  every single time he had sex with his wife. Honesty between us was often brutal. I guess it was better than not knowing. Or assuming he didn't. I don't know.

I know for a fact if I had the chance to sleep with Dameon I would end up freaking out and leaving because of Cole. He and I may not be intimate, but I have morals. If I didn't have morals I would have raped Cole long ago. It would have been without protest on his part if I tried hard enough. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Neither could he. Our consciences were too good. I guess that it's a really good thing, but it felt like a cage. My conscience made me feel like shit even just thinking of sex with anyone but Cole. And it made me feel worse when I thought about us actually doing it. Catch 22.

I stopped then to get out and stretch. I pulled off the freeway to a well populated rest stop. It had been about an hour since I left home, and I figured I should call someone and let them know I was going to be gone for a while. 

Normally I would have called Cole but that was out of the question. Also i had to think of who i could call at 6:15 in the morning without them wanting to kill me! 

I stretched as I got out of the car and yawned. That's when the coffee hit my bladder, so I ran into the woman's lavatory and did my business.

I sat on the pot and decided to call my friend Cady to let her know where I was. She didn't pick up, obviously, so I left a quick message telling her where I was. I trusted her with everything. She was my only friend in town who knew all about Cole and I.

I told her I'd call her periodically to let her know where I was and that I was safe whenever cell reception was attainable. I knew I was about to travel through some shitty reception areas. I felt so responsible at that moment. I walked back to the car and resumed my trek, as well as yesterday's incident.

"What the fuck!" Cole said leaning over me as he looked out the window, targeting Dameon's bright yellow car. 

My stomach dropped. 

My pocket buzzed again, catching Cole's attention. It seemed to have thrown him off a little. I gulped hard. My mouth was completely dry, I started to really panic.

 " Lani, your faggy ex is out there." He stammered egotistically, trying to get me to agree with his description of my former boyfriend. 

Thank god the yellow sports car was turning around in the pizza parlor's parking lot and  going to the gas station across the street instead of parking there. I felt instant relief.

I also felt Cole's red hot stare, it was burning through the left side of my face. He knew something was up. I was a terrible liar. I became flustered at the drop of a hat.  I aslo had this tendency to say things without thinking; ESPECIALLY when I felt guilty.

I just blurted out "OH i know he texted me!" I immediately regretting saying that.