Sometimes Love isn't Enough Chapter 3

chapter3

Suddenly, my train of thought derailed. "Why the HELL did I say that to him.. What the FUCK WAS I THINKING!!" I growled through my teeth. I white knuckled the steering wheel and and let out a frustrated squeal. 

I'm sure other travelers saw my outburst and laughed but I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth to him yesterday!! Especially knowing what I know now! I began to calm down and shot my glance down to the clock while chugging the last of my drink. The clock read 7:07. Miles from home now, I went back to my thoughts. 

I just remember the calm before the storm. 

"Oh shit, that really just came out of my mouth didn't it?"

he zeroed in on me with this piercing glare, almost blank but with enough emotion to pass as rage. His weight shifted to this aggressive stance and his arms folded across his chest automatically.  He stood there with that look on his face for at least 10 seconds before reacting.

"OH SO YOU TWO ARE ON TEXT MESSAGING TERMS NOW HUH?!?! Well that is FUCKING GREAT. SO YOU LIED TO ME THEN!!! I BET THAT WAS HIM TEXTING YOU JUST A SECOND AGO, RIGHT LEILANI??!" cole sternly emoted to me, gritting his teeth in pure, ravenous anger.

 You could see the veins popping out of his forehead and neck. He was so mad. I was facepalming on the inside. It was almost comical and much like a sitcom cliche for me to mess up like that! I wasn't quite sure how to handle this. All I knew was  I grew tired of the constant fighting with Cole.  

I was starting to get pissed. "How is it lying to you if I never said we were talking. It never really crossed my mind to tell you every detail of my life." 

He looked like he was going to start foaming at the mouth.

I went on rambling. " I wasn't being purposely secretive, and I didn't do this to get back at you for anything. It's just text messaging." I was swallowing the foot in my mouth. 

I knew I should stop talking, but I kept orally defecating. "I see no need to hate him anymore. Why is it so bad for me talk to him?" 

 Cole interrupted  me by blurting out, " I can't fucking trust you!"  He stopped to think of the next thing to say, scratching his eyebrow. "How do you expect me to want to leave my wife for this.." His tone was very ominous and calm as he said those words. They echoed in my head. 

He wiped his eyes and shook his head. "Seriously. After all the shit you talked to me about Dameon, you are talking to him again! You told me all those times we saw him at the drag strip how big of a dick he was to you and how you hated him. You said he only used to you for sex, and did so even after you broke up until you met me. He USED you. At the drag strip you were making fun of him right along with me and the guys.  That was what, last month? Now all the sudden you are on speaking terms with him!? How can you not see how fucked up that is!? There is no way I can leave my wife, and wreck the life I've built for a girl like you. You're a liar! "

 Those words sliced at my heart.  He always threatened our future together when we fought. I wish I could explain myself better. I was young still, I wasn't very good at articulating. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't fight back or say anything else to him, I just sat there with the look of pain written on my face. I think cole was waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't.

After a moment more Cole broke our uncomfortable silence. " Yep." He said sharply, as if answering a question he asked himself silently.

"Fuck this! I'm out of here. I'm canceling band practice today. I need some time to think.  I think its best if you stay the fuck away from me for a while." 

Cole stood up and  threw his five dollar tip down on the table. He walked over to the counter to tell the guy to box up the pizza instead of bringing it to us at the table. They had just finished it. 

He paced in front of the fountain beverages while the the guy boxed up our pizza. I sat at the table, not quite sure how I felt.  I mean I was hurt, and trying not to cry, but there was something else welling up inside of me.

I knew that would make everything even worse. The tears were right at the brim of my bottom eyelids. I thought by lightly fluttering my eyelids and looking up  instead of blinking that I would escape the downpour of tears, but it was too late. streams flowed down my cheeks. My lungs grew heavy. It felt like razors and concrete settling in there. I needed to wipe these tears away before Cole came back. He would be mad at me for crying.

You know if someone see's a pretty girl crying in public they automatically think nasty things about the guy who is with her. 

"Bam!" A pizza box slammed on the table in front of me. 

Shit! 

I wasn't fast enough in wiping the tears from my cheeks. Cole noticed immediately, cocked his head down and inspected my face.  

"Are you seriously crying right now? Here we go again Leilani! Here you go causing a scene! People are going to think I'm a dick! Quit crying, this is all your fault. We both know this. I'm fucking wasting my time with you. While you go running back to your ex. I might as well just be unhappy in my marriage. At least I know she would never leave me for her douche bag ex-boyfriend!" He said in a stern, almost fatherly whisper to me. He sat down on the edge of the chair across from me and laid his head on the table, contemplating his next move.

The sadness outweighed the anger. At the time, it never occurred to me that maybe Cole was right. Or maybe i had no right to react to it at all. Maybe he should just deal with it since I was told many countless times not to treat him like my boyfriend. All the while he was allowed to treat me like his girlfriend? Bullshit! I was fully aware of this while I was recounting the story.

Was he purposely making himself more angry than he should be in order to gain some control over me? I wasn't quite sure, but his reaction seemed due to his fear of losing me. I don't know why he feared losing me so much when it seemed like lately all he did was fight with me, and threaten leaving me all together.

 I was really confused. It was almost like a lucid dream, without being able to control the events. I just stared at the carpet, and fought the tears instead of Cole. 

His harsh words filled up inside taking over the last remnants of emotion control. In the moment, I felt like I deserved this punishment. I deserved to be yelled at. I was spiraling again. I was letting this guy get deep down into the places in my soul no one person should touch in an other. It was horrible. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. 

"You keep the fucking pizza. Let me in the car. I need to get my shit out of there. I don't want to even look at you. You obviously can't stop crying, and you sure as hell have nothing to say for yourself.  I don't care what you do, but I'm walking home." 

He got up and stormed out of the building. I meekly nodded at the pizza guy. He looked as confused as I felt.

I kept my head down so Cole couldn't see my tears, which were unstoppable by now. I grabbed the box of piping hot pizza and my gaze was lifted up. 

I saw Dameon across the street at the gas station. He was paying the cashier, it looked like he was getting cigarettes. Our eyes met. I looked back down really quick so cole didn't notice me looking, and grabbed my purse. I walked out the door. I knew Dameon saw me, and I knew he saw my tears. Great. Just what I needed right? 

I opened the car and put my things inside. My knees were shaking. I was fighting the urge to sob. I watched Cole fumble angrily around in the back seat grabbing all of his possessions, as if he never planned on returning to this car again.

 "So this is it?" No answer. "Cole? Seriously what the hell does this mean?" I finally mustered up enough strength to inquire in a wobbly, wheat thin voice.

The reply I got both shocked, and amazed me. 

"Cole will talk to you, when COLE wants to talk to you. GOT IT?" He said sounding childish and petty. He slammed the door and started to walk away. 

This was a bad idea before I even executed it. I knew this was just making things worse, but I couldn't stop myself. I walked after him like a scolded lap dog. He began to run, I began to run after. He burst into a sprint. I sprinted too, but I couldn't keep up. Fucking asthma. 

"Cole wait!" I squeaked in futility. He didn't respond. He rounded a corner. I half hoped he would come back, realizing he was wrong. 

But he didn't.

The sinking feeling in my chest was making it hard to get enough air in my lungs. I stopped to breath. I was gasping in large gulps of air. Cole was gone, and without Cole I couldn't breath. I know that sounds idiotic but it was true in that moment.

I was so upset.  I was hysterical and unable to get oxygen into my lungs at all. I sobbed.  It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt my heart breaking. No, I felt it shatter. I clutched my arms close to my chest desperate to relieve some of the pain. I fell to my knees. I was having a full blown panic attack!

I shifted my legs to cross over one another and laid my elbows on my knees. I sat like that next to the busy intersection on the sidewalk attempting to slow my breath down. I'm sure it was quite a sight! 

 I hid my face from onlookers to conceal my identity. I knew that would be pointless to those who know me best. I was quite recognizable with my multi-colored hair and not so subtle hippie dress. I was hoping upon hope that Dameon had left already. I wanted to throw my fit in peace, (next to the traffic) calm down and go home and hide til morning and Avoid further conflict with Cole by not being seen with Dameon. My tears were flooding my palms in a combination of sadness and anger.

 I hit my steering wheel in a frustrated outburst, forgetting the battle wound from yesterday! I screamed a pained scream. Reliving this nightmare was making my head spin, so the outburst was forgivable aside from the adding to the heartbeat in my palm. 

My entire fucking reality was starting to shift. It was just hard to relive something that just happened less than 24 hours before. This was a fresh wound in my heart and by thinking about it in detail like I was ripped the scab off. 

At the same time I had a partially new stance on the matter. I was starting to see the situation from an outside perspective, which made me hate myself for just sitting by the road and sobbing.

I was wrong for talking to Dameon. But Cole was wrong for freaking out on me and assuming I was doing something wrong with him by just texting. My hand was bleeding from the rage fit against my steering wheel. fucking wonderful! I grabbed a napkin in that hand and pressed it against my leg to  stop the bleeding. Damn it stung!

I was  foolish for loving cole, it was obvious to me at that moment. Being with someone who has prior lifetime commitments to somebody ELSE is pretty messed up. I hid myself from that reality for so long it was almost a new to thing to think! I felt really sad that I let him control my emotions.  

Then again you can't help who  you love. That's how i was in this mess to begin with.

If Cole and I were in a real relationship the omission about Dameon and I talking would in fact be pretty fucked up. That wasn't the case though. We were two people who were in love, and weren't supposed to be. I guess, maybe, I should have said something about it though. It does seem shady. I know that now.

Instead of giving up and wallowing in self pity, I returned to my memory of the day before. I was getting somewhere. On the path to a real solution to this perpetuated issue. I reached behind me and grabbed a slice out of the pizza box, shoved it in my mouth and began to chew. I started to mumble my thoughts again, audibly, but I wasn't making sense with the mouthful. I hoped maybe I could find an answer that made sense.

My shame was out the window as I sat there on that sidewalk.  I was just sitting there losing my mind, losing my grip on everything. While I was sitting there I felt a hand on my shoulder and another arm wrapping around me. All of the sudden I was on my feet. I was startled. Was it Cole coming back to apologize and wisk me away to our happily ever after? Sadly, no.

"Lani are you ok?" Dameon said brushing my hair out of my face. I looked up at him kind of disappointed, I wanted it to be Cole.

Tears were still streaming down my high cheek bones. I felt  instant comfort all over by seeing his face. I had no idea how long I had been sitting there, but it was  enough for Dameon to notice my collapse, and run across the street to my rescue. My eyes plummeted down in embarrassment. I hoped Cole wasn't seeing this embrace take place. 

Dameon knew all about Cole. They had a stupid rivalry ever since Cole beat Dameon at the drags a month or so ago. From the moment Dameon arrived all Cole could do was talk shit, and taunt Dameon. Cole thought it was necessary to tell  Dameon that his car was lame, and thought it poignant to tell him over and over in increasingly hostile ways throughout the night. 

Of course, being a prideful guy himself, Dameon had shot the shit back to defend himself. It must have been pretty embarrassing to Dameon when he lost because he took off after the race ended and didn't even come back for his time slip. Which only added to Cole's delight in making fun of D.

Dameon explained in full how he thought Cole was a huge douchebag when we began talking. He was the first person who was upfront with me and told me I was better than Cole, and should end the relationship. I told him the situation was complicated and changed the subject.

We always ended up back on that topic every time we spoke, after that he insisted we talk about sex. I usually changed the subject when it came to that shit. I had come to the conclusion that D must have still been in love with me, but with him you never know. He really is sort of a dick at times.

I pushed away from Dameon after a long comforting hug. I wiped my eyes, still slightly sniveling. 

Dameon's bold blue eyes met mine, and when I tried to look away he grabbed my chin in his index finger and thumb so I couldn't. No escaping this uncomfortable feeling, I silently concluded.

 I knew he must be feeling pretty accomplished. Dameon was into saving Damsels in distress. I was pissed that i fit that category. I was even more pissed that i was enjoying this attention. 

I was still sort of worried that Cole would come back and catch me with D. It felt like I was going to jump out of my skin if we stood there in the open much longer. Still silent, I grabbed Dameon by the hand and led him to my car. If anything I wanted to be less conspicuous. Dameon followed without protest.

We walked to the driver-side door. D opened it for me chivalrously and braced me as I clumsily sat down. He just knelt in front of me, still holding my hand. I finally had enough air to breath normally. I took a deep breath thankful that I could. That must have been the signal for Dameon to inquire about what happened. 

I found my hidden pack of smokes and lit up.

" so, what happened? Did I cause this?  I had a bad feeling after you told me you were with him, then didn't text back. I was taking my sweet time. I saw everything. I saw you collapse as I was getting ready to take off." He spoke softly. I could tell he knew the gist of what happened. I could tell he felt bad being partly at fault for what happened. Not for Cole's outburst, but being the reason Cole was mad in the first place.

 "He found out about us talking. I must have been feeling guilty or something because I just blurted out that we were texting each other. I don't know what possessed me to do that. I'm an idiot! I guess it couldn't really be avoided though." I said shaking my head, slowly starting to cry again.

"I'm sorry D. You might be right about Cole, but please save the 'I told you so's' for now. I don't really want to go there right now. You know he is my Kryptonite!"

Though I am no superman. That is for sure after the emotional scene I just made. I fished in my glove box for a tissue. The snot rolling down my upper lip must have been attractive.  Dameon looked uncomfortable.

"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to start anything. I didn't even know you guys were here together. Had I known I probably would have just kept driving and let it be. We don’t have to talk about it right now." He said rubbing his thumb across the top of my hand. He always was a man of few words.

 "Do you want to come to my place for a bit?" Dameon had a funny look on his face as he asked.

"We don't have to talk, but I can't imagine you wanting to go home and be alone when you're this upset."  He was right. He knew me so well. During my fit being alone was all I wanted. As soon as it passed so did the urge to be alone I guess. 

I climbed over the center console to the passenger seat rolled down my window and flicked my cigarette butt out. Dameon caught on and got in the driver seat. He looked at me again with concern. 

Still holding my hand, he lifted it up to his lips and kissed it. The goosebumps were visible. I felt butterflies. Butterflies mixed with that deep down sadness. It was a pretty interesting sensation. I knew I probably shouldn't be enjoying any of it, but I was. But then again I wasn't. I felt like vomiting.

D finally released my hand to start the ignition. I put both hands on my forehead. A sense of relief infiltrated my otherwise frazzled psyche. A smile crept across my face. At the time I wasn't quite sure what that meant. Hell, I wasn't sure of anything. 

I began the self-talk process. You know, “ everything will be ok.” and “ this too shall pass.” and all the other inspirational things you're supposed to say to yourself when your upset.

 Dameon looked at me before backing out of the space. "It's going to be ok Lani. I promise."

 We pulled out 2 cars behind Cole and his wife. My heart sunk.

I guess "I'm walking home." Was obviously a lie on his part. I didn't care as much about that. I was just thanking God Cole didn't see me with Dameon. 

Sometimes Love isn't Enough Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

 I was madly in love with Cole, but he was not mine. That is the short, short version of everything.

The truth is this thought infected every square inch of my brain. If I really let it sink in, and I thought more rationally and not thinking with my heart so much I wouldn't be in this situation. An overwhelming feeling in my stomach knotted up when I thought about him.  Although at first I thought it was the coffee I was chugging, I soon realized it wasn't.

I always felt tense when I thought of him, and I thought about him every moment. I thought about seeing him, or talking to him when he wasn't around. And even though I didn't even see him more than a day a week, I was consumed with the thought of our reunion every single day. 

When he would call I would drop everything. When I say I dropped everything, I mean I would make myself  absolutely available, and disappointed anyone I was with that is if he had free time to visit with me.

When he was near the air in my lungs became shallow and hurried as if I couldn't get enough of him.  He was pumping the oxygen straight into me.  When he didn't call, or when he couldn't see me that week my lungs felt heavy and my breathing more forced. I couldn't breath without him.

I was shamelessly dependent on him for my very fragile happiness. That explains why things were falling to the wayside at home. When your emotions are as fucked up as mine were, you tend to not see the real issue, but they manifest in very physical and attention getting ways. I guess its like an early warning system for your eminent mental breakdown. 

I didn't think about how foolish I was being, but somewhere inside I knew I was. It wasn't just because of the age difference, but it was a factor. I was still young, and wasn't completely aware of the difference in experience between Cole and I.

It's never about the age in any situation, it is however the difference of experience in life. We didn't share the same schema in many ways. I was fresh out of high school, and like most I thought I knew everything. I was out exercising my independence, and free will. I was just having my first real jobs, and my first  apartment. I had my first  car, and of course my first real relationship. My first adult relationship with a man, was a farce.

 Of course i didn't see it that way because to me it wasn't a farce. It had no label. It couldn't have one, but it was the real fucking deal. Cole was 5 years older than I, which isn't a huge difference in age, but in experience it might as well be a lifetime. I was  intelligent, I knew I loved him and why. I was just making stupid decisions.  

Cole was something else. He was amazing. He had the most amazing skill at guitar. His voice was one of the voices that could send chills down my back. He had this warmth about him. He really cared about everyone in his life. He gave when people needed. The best listener I had ever met in my life was Cole. No friend was ever as loyal and fun either. He was my best friend.

There was only one big problem keeping us from being the best couple ever forged. He was married.

He owned a business and made really good money for someone at just 25 years old. I never cared about the money for the record. He was just a great guy to be around. Always thoughtful, and caring. He made me laugh. We had great times together.

We started out as just friends. We were in a band together. I sang lead vocals, and he was the guitarist. The more and more we got into the music we made together, the more we saw of each other. At first we talked about life, like most friends do. It soon became obvious to me that his ideas of me were changing, but he was married so i never let myself feel that way about him.

He invited me to hang out more and more. He was inviting me to watch him drag race his super fast

car, instead of his wife sometimes. We'd go and it would be just us. I had a lot of the most life changing advice when we went to the track.

He offered me a second job working with him. I lived close to one of the stores he had a floor cleaning contract with. It was easy for me to pop over there and clean and make a quick buck. There was a time of the month where he needed help with the monthly maintenance and I started to be invited more and more to tag along. Sometimes to help. Sometimes just for company.

 It was also around this time the inevitable happened.

I slurped some coffee and wiped my eyes. I was starting to feel excited about the trip even more.

I thought about how I knew he was in love with me. Reality was interrupted. Strolling down memory lane and figuring out the meaning of it all was the point of my impromptu vacation.

We had just gotten done with a floor job and we were eating some fast food at the bar in his kitchen late one night. Everyone was asleep and it was too late for me to drive home and I was exhausted. I used to sleep over from time to time if band practice ran late. it wasn't uncommon for me be there that late.

I was explaining how alone I felt in the world. I was an only child whose parents both died before I was in high school. I had said something about feeling like there was no one in the world who just loved me. Someone who loved me for who I was, and it would never die.

He looked at me while he was chewing his burger. The look was weird so I laughed to escape an awkward moment.

He wiped his mouth and we just basked in this silence. It was a heavy silence. I sat there thinking “what the fuck is happening here?” I had honestly no idea what he was thinking. 

Sure enough he sat his burger down and leaned on the bar and said the most sincere and honest confession I had ever heard in my life.

“ what if I told you I loved you?” and he looked away after he said it like it was a bad thing to say. As if to gauge my reaction.

I swallowed my food hard and looked at him like a deer in headlights for a long while.

He scrambled for some words and blurted out “ AS A FRIEND!” He had that smile that you just can't get rid of. You know when you have a crush? And you see said crush and you go and speak to them and you can't stop smiling and your cheeks hurt more than anything ever? Yeah, that smile.

I finally broke my silence by saying, and not thinking before saying mind you, “ I.. Love you too.”

We sat further in silence and finished our food. I think we were both processing.

I finished eating and changed in my pajamas and came back to make my bed on the couch. He came over to me with his arms extended. We hugged a lot. I never thought anything of it because he hugged everyone. But this hug was different somehow.

After the hug he pushed me to knock me backwards on the couch. It was playful and silly. Without a beat I said through laughter “ I hate you!”.

This is how I knew for real. What he said to me stuck in my head like nothing else ever has.

“Um. You don't hate me. You love me. You said it earlier and I swear I will never forget it.” He slicked his hair back under his hat and walked out of the room towards his bedroom.

That night everything started to change. I shook my head and gulped fresh air frenzied. I forgot what the beginning was like.

A few weeks after that things were weird. Everything we did was normal, but under the surface something else was growing. I ignored how I felt most of the time because I knew if I let myself feel it that would be the end.

One night at band practice we were preparing to record our stuff. We were trying to find a place for me to record my voice. I was going to have to be last because I couldn't write without the music in my ear or something. We had the bright idea to set me up in his SUV. I had enough room to kneel which would help my breathing and I would be able to sing comfortably.

Cole and I were outside by ourselves figuring exactly where I'd stand and where we would set up the mic and out of no where he just looked at me again. It was a look of admiration. I felt my hair stand up on the nape of my neck and something else down south. I got a little uncomfortable but that was because I forced myself to be uncomfortable.

“Hey Lani. If I had never met Daisy.. HYPOTHETICALLY. If I had never met her and I wasn't married to her, would you be with me?” he asked me very straightforward.

A smile stretched across my face and I immediately began laughing. “Are you for real right now?” I said through my nervous laughter.

“Dead serious”

“Why would ask me that? Why would you want to know the answer to that question!?” I asked speeding up with every word I said. I was flustered.

“I.. I don't know. I just need to know.” He said his voice getting sheepishly softer.

Our eyes locked. I knew then things weren't going to be the same after this. So I was honest with myself for once about this whole thing.

“ I think you know the answer to that question.” I said equally sheepish.

“ I need to hear you say it. Just tell me. I have to know.” He was really determined.

“You know the answer to that Cole!” I said again shifting my weight to my left hip.

He just looked at me. His gestures were saying “OK, go on.”

I sighed. I looked around because I was so guilty even saying it. I knew saying it would mean it was out there.

“Of course I would. If I had met you and you were single and I was single.. I mean.. you KNEW that I would say that so why ask?” I said. I felt my face redden.

“ I just needed to hear it.” He spun around on his heel and went back inside and talked to our drummer about inputs and outputs and other stuff like our whole exchange didn't happen.

I followed suit. It was out there. And by him asking me I knew that he wanted to be with me.

I learned sometime after that he had suicidal thoughts at the time. A lot of it had to do with his past, but some of it was because he was unhappy. I was helping him through it all. We were getting somewhere.

When I learned more and more about him I fell in love.

I shook my head and rolled down the window for some fresh air. Anything to get the thought out of my head. I hadn't been in the moment since I left!

It's funny, even my thought patterns went off into tangents. Kind of like having a conversation. I had to cover every single detail  in my own mind. I knew I must recount the entire previous day before going into these other in depth issues and find out what the hell to make of it. I had enough time to think about everything that has ever happened with Cole. I knew this was just the tip of the ice burg, but I had to start somewhere. I needed for focus on yesterday.

I slurped some of my beverage and checked my hand wound. It was infected. I needed to get my first aid kit as soon as I could. “ I better not forget to do that!” I said out loud to remind myself. I needed something for this hand. I was pretty sure I needed professional assistance with the wound but I thought i'd wait it out.

Reciting a story in my head I began to focus on the key points, and little details of the ridiculous scene from the night before. I opened my energy drink, and guzzled half of it down right away. With a belch I said " OK,". This was my very lady like way to re-start my brain to focus on the previous day.  

I picked Cole up to go out for our pizza ritual yesterday. This was our once a week day allotted to spend with each other. Every Tuesday we'd get together and go to the same pizza place and after we ate we'd spend the day together until band practice. I was looking forward to this day all week. 

His wife had found out about us. Cole basically told her he couldn't live without me. He told her a bunch of stuff apparently because she was ok with us still being in the band together, me working for him, and us hanging out. She just limited our time. It sucked, but what was I going to do? I was the home wrecker. I was glad to get anytime with him.

We hadn't been seeing each other as regularly because our drummer was out of town. Thus our reasoning for hanging was faulty. We usually met up at noon at his house. But today he had a lot of things to take care of before we hung out so we met up at 3 instead. A nice late lunch.

His guilt for leaving his wife to spend time with me had been eating at him lately. We used to spend a lot more time together. Almost everyday for 9 months. But it was causing him a lot of strife at home. It was causing me to become increasingly dependent on him too, which wasn't working.  the one day a week rule was implemented  in January. It killed me.  I'd been pulling away from him lately because its been 4 months of only seeing him once if I'm lucky 2 times a week. It was starting to wear on me and I was lonely. I loved him much more than I can explain but I was starting to lose hope. It was a little over a year and he still hadn't left his wife!

It wasn't fair to me but it was worse to do to her I thought.

I pulled up in his driveway as his wife was getting in their Luxury SUV. She made it obvious she saw me. She gave me this unmoving eye contact. Much like that of a Tiger stalking its prey. The look she gave me sent shivers down my body. I hadn't really felt this emotion the whole time Cole and I had been in love. That was the first time I felt her hate rain upon me. I'm not going to lie.. it was quite frightening. 

Cole was conversing with his wife before he made his way to my car. It felt like ages. I watched them talk. I saw their chemistry. They had been together for almost 9 years at that point. What struck me deep down was how good a time he seemed to be having while talking to her. It made me feel dirty. I pretended to look for a new cd in my case so I could break the stare and alleviate my overwhelming uncomfortable emotions. 

Cole's hearty chuckle as he opened my car door made me want to scream, and vomit.

 I was jealous. I was a fucking bitch for being jealous of a man and his wife, but how was I supposed to feel? I was a broken shell of a girl, just out of high school. My parents had both died before i was 14. I lost my dad at age 5 to suicide. Hence my intense fear of Cole doing the same thing.

My mom died suddenly when I was 14. I had no siblings, and a really dysfunctional home life. Which also explains my fear of death, and wasting time. When Cole came into my life he was instrumental in helping me find my way to conquering my past. I disclosed my entire life story to this man, and he didn't judge me. When I learned of his suicidal tendencies of course I was going to help.

Of course I would. Because, and this is hard to admit and hard to even think about, but Cole has 2 children. His oldest had just turned 5. I usually push that whole fact out of my mind. If I was constantly thinking about that I probably wouldn't have let it get this deep. Just another thing to add to the list of mistakes.

 My love for Cole was much more than romantic. But lately things had been routine and I was afraid I was going to have to move on. I didn't know what that would do to someone who was unstable. I didn't know if I could handle a life with out him.

We rode in silence most of the way to lunch. Neither of us spoke. It was awkward. Once we were next to the pizza place he started small talk with me. I was trying to forget the angry butterflies that infested my stomach when she gave me that look. It was nice to have something else to focus on finally. We went in the establishment, I found a table, and he ordered then skittered off to the men's room. As per usual. 

Cole was gone for nearly ten minutes in the restroom when I felt my cell phone buzzing in my pocket. I thought it might be Cole telling me what the hell was taking him so long in there, so  I squeezed my fingers into my tight pocket, wiggled the phone free and opened the text hurriedly.

 " Howz teh pizza? " said the text. 

SHIT!

It was from Dameon,  who was gridlocked in traffic just kitty corner from the pizza parlor.

"Oh. Fuck." I said under my breath spotting his car in the sea of traffic. 

Cole hated Dameon, and vice versa. It went further than someone who just hates their lover's ex. He was afraid i'd run off with Dameon if ever Cole and I's union were to crumble.

Cole would freak out if he knew I was keeping the fact that I was on speaking terms with Dameon from him. He would be pissed if I told him. It was a lose-lose situation. I hated secrets. I was no good at keeping them if they were my secrets.

 So needless to say the text I got just then sent me into a panic. It  became apparent that Dameon was planning on pulling into the parking lot to say hi to me since his blinker was on and he was inching towards the driveway entrance.

I so didn't need that drama right then. Especially with the circumstances. Cole and I had been fighting a lot. Our unconventional relationship was taking it's toll on our lives. I wanted more, he wanted less, but demanded more when he deemed that it fit his schedule. This surprise from Dameon was the last thing I needed, or maybe it was just the push I needed to leave Cole for good. I wasn't sure, but my heart raced all the same.

I panicked and texted "yep its damn good 'zah. here with Cole. text you later, now is not a good time."

 Dameon knew all about my relationship with Cole. He didn't agree with it obviously, no one in my life really did, but they all went along with it to keep me happy. I don't know whether that approach was healthy or not since it kept me thinking what I was doing was OK, at least on the surface.

 I closed my phone and jumped half way out of my skin when I  realized Cole was right behind me. 

I felt it wasn't any of Cole's business that I had just started talking to Dameon again. It was a month before, around the same time Cole and I began the constant fighting  when I got a text saying " you were right, i dont deserve happiness". I found out it was from Dameon and began to talk to him as friends. He was asking me a bunch of questions about things that happened during our relationship and seeking out advice.

I guess because we were once happy and together he felt that I could answer his many questions. Although most of his questions were about our previous sex life. It wasn't as awkward as you would think. Just nice to have someone to text and talk to whenever I could. I barely ever heard from Cole unless it was about our band practice/hangout day.

D and my break up wasn't very pretty. He was a fucking pig. We hadn't spoken for the better part of the  year, and when we made up I felt at ease. I figured we made up because he was texting me daily. He wouldn't mention our texts to Cady, our mutual friend who gave him my number. She was more my friend than his, but she dealt with him because they hung in the same circle.

I know deep down I still found him attractive. How could I not! he was beautiful. He was really quiet, and had different interests than I had, but it worked. Well it worked until it didn't. Everyone goes through that nonsense in high school though.

 I also kinda half-hoped I could maybe sleep with Dameon since Cole wouldn't. Isn't that a bitch? He cheats on his wife by "falling in love" with someone else, and then doesn't have sex with the mistress. I guess in all honesty my morals wouldn't really let me get close to sex with Cole either, but its the idea of it. What made things worse is he would tell me  every single time he had sex with his wife. Honesty between us was often brutal. I guess it was better than not knowing. Or assuming he didn't. I don't know.

I know for a fact if I had the chance to sleep with Dameon I would end up freaking out and leaving because of Cole. He and I may not be intimate, but I have morals. If I didn't have morals I would have raped Cole long ago. It would have been without protest on his part if I tried hard enough. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Neither could he. Our consciences were too good. I guess that it's a really good thing, but it felt like a cage. My conscience made me feel like shit even just thinking of sex with anyone but Cole. And it made me feel worse when I thought about us actually doing it. Catch 22.

I stopped then to get out and stretch. I pulled off the freeway to a well populated rest stop. It had been about an hour since I left home, and I figured I should call someone and let them know I was going to be gone for a while. 

Normally I would have called Cole but that was out of the question. Also i had to think of who i could call at 6:15 in the morning without them wanting to kill me! 

I stretched as I got out of the car and yawned. That's when the coffee hit my bladder, so I ran into the woman's lavatory and did my business.

I sat on the pot and decided to call my friend Cady to let her know where I was. She didn't pick up, obviously, so I left a quick message telling her where I was. I trusted her with everything. She was my only friend in town who knew all about Cole and I.

I told her I'd call her periodically to let her know where I was and that I was safe whenever cell reception was attainable. I knew I was about to travel through some shitty reception areas. I felt so responsible at that moment. I walked back to the car and resumed my trek, as well as yesterday's incident.

"What the fuck!" Cole said leaning over me as he looked out the window, targeting Dameon's bright yellow car. 

My stomach dropped. 

My pocket buzzed again, catching Cole's attention. It seemed to have thrown him off a little. I gulped hard. My mouth was completely dry, I started to really panic.

 " Lani, your faggy ex is out there." He stammered egotistically, trying to get me to agree with his description of my former boyfriend. 

Thank god the yellow sports car was turning around in the pizza parlor's parking lot and  going to the gas station across the street instead of parking there. I felt instant relief.

I also felt Cole's red hot stare, it was burning through the left side of my face. He knew something was up. I was a terrible liar. I became flustered at the drop of a hat.  I aslo had this tendency to say things without thinking; ESPECIALLY when I felt guilty.

I just blurted out "OH i know he texted me!" I immediately regretting saying that.

Sometimes Love isn't Enough Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

It was 4:42am when I finally gave up. I decided to leave. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, crusty and sore from crying. I thought about getting up, but continued to lay there. I was exhausted.  My mind was over active all night. Sleep was hardly attainable. I kept waking up and looking at the clock. I had this thing about checking the time. I would check the time frequently and would make a mental note to keep tabs on what I was doing.


 I had an irrational phobia of wasting time. For me productive activities could mean working, hanging out with friends, or partying. I just had to be doing something. You could say I feared my mortality, and it was coming sooner the more time I wasted. I never claimed to be sane. I was quite the opposite, understandably so.

Spending a whole night violently wrapping myself into a cocoon in my silky blankets didn't fall into the productive category.  I spun around like a slow motion tornado in my blankets all night. By the time I woke up it was a tangled, twisted mass of  bedding and  body parts. It took me a few minutes to realize I had to free myself in order to get out of bed. I did so cursing and thrashing, I was terribly upset  I had spent the night at the clutch of my own subconscious. Something had to be done.

I sat up slowly, I needed to get my bearings before standing up. I laid my hands on the bed on either side of me to brace myself for lift off. I sat there for a moment preparing for blast off. I looked down at my injured hand and flexed it. It looked as broken as i felt. It throbbed from the shattered sunglasses that impaled me yesterday. I could feel my heart. It was beating abnormally. It throbbed too.


With a yawn and a stretch I got out of bed. I fumbled around, tripping over things in the dark, walking like a zombie to get to my closet. I squinted in pain as the light flicked on. I searched for something to wear. I found nothing amidst the cluttered mess. Normally this closet was organized and neat, teaming with clothes. Normally i could find a pair of shoes. That morning was not normal. It was right then when things began to unravel.

 Becoming increasingly irritated, I began to notice many things around my room were in an equal
state of dismay. it was the first time in awhile that I had a moment to look around my living space. this place was a mess! Not that I have anything against guys, but this looked like a frat boy's thrashed dorm. I think after my previous day's drama, my eyes were wide open to see things I hadn't paid attention to in a while.

"Maybe I'm thinking too much." I said talking to myself out loud, (another silly habit of mine) and shaking my head as I gave a  slow, deliberate surveillance of my wrecked bedroom.

 I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I left my room, and walked down the hall, hoping to find the rest of my house clean. That is not what awaited me. It was as fucked up as my bedroom was. Obviously I knew I made the mess since I lived alone, but I couldn't believe that I would let it get this way.  Jackets were no longer in the coat closet, but balled up on the floor, draped over the couch, tossed on the dining room chairs, and table and in other places they didn't belong. The garbage can was over-crowded with refuse.

 Hunger pangs instructed me to the kitchen. I opened my refrigerator in pursuit of breakfast and found it only contained beer and ketchup.

"Nope. I am not thinking enough apparently." I said to myself to acknowledge my reality as I dusted crumbs from the bottoms of my feet, paying close attention to the fact that I had only walked 15 inches into my kitchen and already had to get grit out from between my toes.

Traditionally I was a perfectionist. I kept my living space immaculate. I couldn't enjoy myself in filth. I wasn't obsessive compulsive or anything, but It bugged me! I wasn't comfortable enough to enjoy eating, showering or sleeping if I knew there was a huge mess somewhere in my house. The only reason something would be out of place is if my mind were preoccupied with something heavy, and at that point in my life things were extremely heavy.

I wasn't exactly the poster child for the emotionally stable. Especially now noticing more and more things  amiss  made something snap inside my head. I sat at the kitchen table, head in my hands. I wasn't crying, I probably should have been. I had only one thought in my head the entire night and that was "What if I see him.." I was frustrated! I was disoriented from a lack of sleep and being emotionally drained. Tears would have been a release, but I'm pretty sure I donated all my cleansing tears to yesterday's tear charity pot.

The condition of my apartment was like a slap in the face. I was blind. I knew then and there I had to leave! Then a light bulb appeared and I lifted my head up and blurted out, " I HAVE VACATION TIME!" while pointing my index finger to the ceiling.

 
I had been putting it off because it seemed like a waste of my time to go somewhere and just do nothing. Although I was never  so happy with myself for not taking it sooner. Right then I needed a moment to untangle all of the knots that had collected in the loose strings of my life. This was the first time in weeks I had stopped to notice what was happening. No more auto-pilot.  I knew I couldn't live like this anymore. With a quick push off the floor, I stood up.

I leaned up against the bar, took the house phone from it's charging cradle and called my boss. The conversation was really short, since it was so early. I'm pretty sure I woke him up. I didn't think about that when I dialed. It seemed like he wasn't mad, and that was a good sign.

I meekly asked about the probability of me taking my vacation right away. I didn't even need to make up a story, or further elaborate at all. He yelled at me for not taking my vacation sooner. He also told me I was a workaholic! (The NERVE of calling out one of my flaws!) Apparently, I never smiled anymore, and I always looked deep in thought. He told me I needed to get away, recharge my batteries and come back with a sense of calm.

I was glad we were on the same page. I thanked him profusely, hung up the phone and crossed off all the days I was supposed to work on the calender. He gave me 15 days. My heart started beating and I could feel myself getting anxious. Not bad anxious though. The good kind of anxious, like when you are about to go to Disney Land or something.

I managed to climb over the many obstacles in the dark on the living room floor to turn on the main light. Once again I stopped to have a look at my home. I felt this pit in my stomach twist at the sight  of my living room.  Laundry baskets full of clean clothes were laid on the floor and couch with the intention of eventually getting to it.

No wonder my damn closet was housing moths instead of clothes!

My mail was unopened in a messy pile on the couch  thrown there daily to help collect dust in the room. I found, and opened the newest bank statement. I wanted to drive somewhere, and to do that I would need money. Luckily, I had plenty of it. Aside from paying bills, buying my daily coffee, food and gas, I wasn't spending much. I made a fist and pulled it towards my torso in the universal "YES!" gesture.

I was going to leave, and I wasn't going to tell a soul until I was at least a few hours away from here. Nobody was going to invite themselves along, or try to talk me out of it! No fucking way! I wasn't even going to give them the chance to intervene.

I spotted a pair of shoes on the floor and put them on without realizing they were 2 different colored flip flops,  if I had, I wouldn't have cared. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. Still in my black p.j. shorts and a tight tank top, I just threw on the closest hoodie, and grabbed my keys and purse. I looked for my cell, but realized it was in the car. I stacked 2 laundry baskets on top of each other put my keys and purse on top and I left with haste. I had to stop abruptly at the top of the stairs because I almost left for 2 weeks without locking my door. 

"Alright. Take two!" I said encouraging myself as I picked up the baskets and maneuvered myself down the stairs.

On my way down the stairs I stopped again to throw my hair into a quick pony tail, and to zip up my hoodie. I carefully meandered down the stairs looking to the left of the tower of laundry  i was carrying so i wouldn't fall. By the time I hit the last step I was in a near sprint to my car, well as close a sprint one can get into carrying a load like I was.

 I almost felt spooked by all I was noticing. It was all too much for me to handle on top of the crazy shit that was going on in my love life. It was the perfect storm to make a person go completely mad. I was in no way going to let that happen. I loaded up my trunk with the laundry baskets, and to my joy I realized that there was one place that was clean - my car.

Once in the car I immediately started the engine. Letting it warm up, I pulled down the visor and opened the mirror to see how terrible I looked. My eyes were normally a  deep green but right then they were blood shot and red from crying all night.  They looked almost brown  due to the dark circles around my eyes. My makeup from the day before was smudged, and smeared as a tell tale sign that my day ended badly before I went to sleep.

I was thankful for this vacation. As I slammed the visor shut, I pulled out of my parking space, and was out of there in record time, it was only 5:09am.


I yawned while I drove  to the closest drive through cafe. I went to this place almost everyday. I was always annoyed by the preppy, upbeat snob who worked there in the early morning. this particular girl always gave me funny looks, as if she were better than me. She had long blond hair, and beautiful eyes, but they were of course filled with hate. I think I recognized her from high school, but I never spoke to her then so I wasn't sure.

Luckily the only thought in my head today was getting caffeine to fuel my spirit journey of sorts.

My mouth watered in anticipation as I pulled up to the window.  I ordered the largest coffee with extra shots of espresso. Always ahead of the game I also ordered energy drinks for later. As usual I didn't tip, because the coffee girl was a complete stuck up bitch.

I didn't want to have to stop again for awhile. I knew that just driving somewhere, with no set in stone destination was the best way to sort out my cluttered mind. This was an easy thing to accomplish. I had pizza in the car from the night before, and  energy drinks. Aside from bathroom breaks, and gas stops I was set until well into the afternoon. I knew that I wouldn't get actually lost, but the feeling of being out there and not knowing where I was exactly excited me. 

 "I swear I am going to figure this all out." I said to myself as I merged onto the freeway. I liked that. Free. way. The way to freedom. I started laughing at myself for thinking something so cheesy. It was true though. I hoped to leave on the freeway, and come home feeling freer than I had felt today when I woke up.

My hand was really hurting. I hoped I wasn't going to have to visit some random hospital on my vacation! I looked down at my throbbing hand again. I saw the huge gash on the bottom of my palm (that was now bluish purple and possibly infected) and I winced.

"I need to find my first aid kit." I said out loud. I knew it was my own damn fault! Often impetuous, I did things that were pretty daft. The events from the day  before were party to blame too, but at the epicenter of all these issues, I am the reason this shit had happened. You make decisions in life, and you have to live by them.

That's when my mind began to wander. For the first time I was letting it wander to these places. I had been keeping myself on one small one way, one lane track for months now. I kept myself busy and pushed the unwanted thoughts away. It explained why I was making asinine decisions, and rationalizing them until I no longer felt the need to worry, or to listen to my conscience.

  I was still paying attention to driving, making sure to stay within the speed limit, and not swerving off into the median,  but my mind began to act like white blood cells attacking a foreign ailment inside of my head. The sun was rising to my left. I let myself bask in it and thoughts took over from there. I started working out what was poisoning me. I had to walk through  every single detail from start to finish. Things had to change. Not end necessarily, just change.